Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: The Comedy of Errors (not about the play) (08/18/11)
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TITLE: On the Lam | Previous Challenge Entry
By Allison Egley
08/25/11 -
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"You said it."
The car stopped suddenly. Emily looked in the rear view mirror. "Oh no... Did I just hit that car?"
"I don't think so."
"I'm going to pull back in and check, just to make sure." They both got out of the car. Emily looked at her car first. No damage. Then she looked at the other car. "Oh my. Oh my. Oh my."
"What?" Christina said.
"Just... just get back in the car...."
"Emily, what is going on?" Christina climbed back into the car and closed the door. Emily backed out again, slowly.
"I couldn't have done that. I couldn't have done that. I couldn't have..."
"Stop!" Christina cut her off. "Would you please explain what you're going on about?"
"That huge dent in that car. I couldn’t have done it."
"Uh... Emily, there was no dent in that car. You did nothing."
"What do you mean there was no dent? There was a huge dent. It was the exact shape of my bumper, right by the license plate."
"Calm down. Repeat what you just said."
"There was a huge dent the exact shape of my bumper right by the license plate." Can't you see why I'm freaking out? And now I'm running. On the lam! It's a comedy of errors."
Christina took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Emily, your brain is a comedy of errors. Listen to yourself. You said there was a huge dent the exact shape of your bumper, right by the license plate. There are three errors in your line of thinking. One, there is no damage on your car. You couldn't have made a "huge" dent. Two, unless that car is made of butter, there wouldn't be a perfect imprint of your bumper. Three, the license plate is about two feet too high to come into contact with your bumper unless you rolled on top of the car."
"Yeah. You're right. See? I told you I couldn't have done it. But... what if I did? The owner is going to come out, see the damage, look at the surveillance tapes, get my license number, call the police, and I'll be charged with a hit and run." Emily paused, taking a series of quick breaths. "Is a hit and run a felony?"
Christina shook her head. "You're hopeless."
They pulled into the apartment complex, then walked to their apartment. Emily logged on to the computer to look up "hit and run accident." She wished she hadn't.
"Christina, a hit and run is a felony. The police will come knocking on the door, slap cuffs on me, and haul me to jail. I'll loose my job and never be a productive citizen again."
Christina grabbed Emily by the shoulders. "Error. Error. Brain overload. Please stop thinking. Now."
"But... can't I at least check the public records website to make sure there's not a warrant out for my arrest?"
Christina directed Emily to the sofa and pushed her into it. "Emily, listen to me. There was no dent. Nothing. You did not hit that car. You will not be convicted of a hit and run, and you will not spend the rest of your life in prison."
"Are you sure?"
"Positive. The lights and the reflections off the car must have tricked your eyes. You've been so tired lately, your over analytical mind ran away with it full steam ahead. Not even the brain police could have stopped it. But I am putting a stop to it now."
"But..."
"No buts. I am so positive you did nothing wrong that if, by some chance, your wild.... I don't even know what to call it. Should anything bad happen, I will take the blame. That's how sure I am that nothing happened."
"Okay. Thanks. You're a great friend for putting up with Miss Over Analytical Brain here."
"No problem that's what friends are for. I think you need to get to bed before your brain explodes. I don't want to have to clean up brain guts."
"Yeah, you're right." Emily headed to her bedroom, but before she got into bed, she checked the public records site and looked up her name for warrants... just in case.
******
Based on a true story
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I had to go look up on the lam because I kept expecting for there to be a lamb involved. :) sorry. just wasn't an idiom I knew.
I think the story is good enough, but there seemed to be a little lack of tension. The tension was there in your MC but as a reader I was with the secondary character saying, "why are you freaking out?" So if there was a way to switch that- make us believe that there really was something wrong, it'd have worked better for me. Or if the punch line was that it was her fault and the friend was wrong- that would have done it.
But as is, it's a cute story for me. One I could easily be part of- flipping out over something I really didn't need to.
It's well-written, and I know you're a great writer, so I really think it's just that next deeper level of ramping up the tension and getting the reader to feel it.
Hope that makes sense.
I still think you are a superb writer :)
I agree with Lynn's comments, except I think on the lam is pretty well known. But I've had to look up more than one such term before.
Thanks for sharing your story!
i enjoyed it...God Bless~