Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Fearful (08/23/07)
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TITLE: The Fearless Proposal | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kristen Hester
08/29/07 -
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My long-time girlfriend’s jaw dropped at my question. She stayed frozen like that for what felt like hours. Finally, I raised my eyebrows and silently mouthed, “Well?”
“We’ll talk later,” she responded through pursed lips.
Perhaps my father’s funeral service wasn’t the best place to finally pop the question, but I had made some discoveries in recent days that had me reevaluating my life. Moments before as I thought of all my father had missed due to fear, a stubborn tear escaped and made its way down my face. When Paula noticed my tear, she squeezed my hand and offered a sympathetic smile. That shared moment, along with the fact that she looked stunning in her black dress, caused me to spontaneously skip my plan to propose the next night at a more romantic location.
My proposal was partially motivated by what I had recently learned about my father. While cleaning out his apartment after his death, I had discovered his journals. In the thirty plus years they covered, hardly a week went by without at least one entry. I was shocked that a low-achieving, unambitious man like my father would be so disciplined. I was also surprised that my not-so-elegant father was an eloquent writer.
I never knew my father even kept a journal, but as I read I finally began to understand his sad life. My parents never married. Growing up I received little more from him than the obligatory birthday visits, occasional phone calls, and child support. His first journal entry was dated 7 months before my birth.
6/21/1973
Martha announced she was pregnant today... Her beauty and kindness stir my soul and dreams. Her very presence makes me want to try hard, achieve more. But I know I would be a disappointment. I could never be the father, husband, and provider that she or her child deserve.
As a young boy, I wondered why he didn’t want to spend time with me. I didn’t feel affection for him, but I craved his approval. Before his visits I would rehearse telling him of my accomplishments in front of a mirror. As a young man, I didn’t want his approval as much as I wanted to rub my successes in his face. He worked at a dead end job that he hated all his life. This was only one of the reasons I never respected him.
3/5/1983
Today I found a book on the best seller list written by a high school friend. This caused me anguish because in high school I would edit his papers and tutor him in English. And now he is living my dream. Why wasn’t it me? But I am thirty and too old to be chasing fantasies. My job pays the bills and child support but offers me nothing more than money. Never-the-less, I will stay in my safe, life-sucking job. I couldn’t stand letting my son see me fail.
When I became a Christian at the age of twenty-eight, I passionately told my father of my new faith. He listened politely, but did not want a relationship with Jesus.
1/25/2001
My son came for a visit today. He rarely visits, so I was surprised. I was even more surprised when he told me he found Jesus. Honestly, I could see a change. He wasn’t the same arrogant man who bragged continually about his every accomplishment.
He wanted me to accept his Jesus, but I couldn’t... What would Jesus ask of me? Most likely more than I have to offer.
After my salvation, I called and visited more regularly, but I never saw fruit from my visits. His last journal entry, dated the day before his death, caused me to shout for joy and cry buckets of manly, crocodile tears.
8/23/2007
For several weeks I have been reading the Bible my son gave me. At first I read because I was afraid of death and Hell, but something has changed in me. I’m so ashamed that I wasn’t open to Jesus years ago. Oh, what I have missed... I’m thankful I finally found my Savior. I wish I had the courage to tell my son.
My father missed much because of fear, but I wasn’t going to let it prevent me from marrying the woman I loved. As I waited for the funeral to end, I was fearful of only one thing. Would Paula say “yes?”
8/30/2007 - My first journal entry
She said YES!
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Good job on the feelings and intergrating the journal into the memories.
Wonderful.