ANNOUNCER: This is Ringo Macky on 874 2GB, airing from Sidney, at 8:25 on a Friday evening. We’re talking this evening about TV shows and movies which have changed our society. Is there a caller on the line?
CALLER: G’day, mate - Willy Shelbourne here...tour guide from Cooper. I just had to call in and tell you about my latest adventure with a journo from the States.
ANNOUNCER: A real drongo, eh?
CALLER: Fair dinkum! Straight off, he yabbers on and on about how he’s wanted to write a story of a walkabout ever since he’s seen the movie “Crocodile Dundee”.
ANNOUNCER: Oh, one o’ those!
CALLER: He was wearin’ a knitted jumper, ‘cuz he forgot that the seasons are turned back-to from the States. Plus he was weighted down with cameras and such. Course, his kit didn’t have nothin’ practical…no torch, no billycan to boil water, nor any food t’all.
ANNOUNCER: Where’d ya take’m?
CALLER: Well, he don’t want to take the Jeep; he wants to hoof it from Alice Springs to Ayers Rock. Course, I’ve done it more times than a mouse has litters, but not with a tourist.
ANNOUNCER: (laughing) So, what happened?
CALLER: This journo, Theodore, wanted to get some face-to-face experiences with the natural wildlife of the outback. (laughing) He got some experiences, but not what he expected.
The first day out, he asked when we’d see some koala bears. I told him that they weren’t really bears and that we wouldn’t see any on this walkabout because they live out on the east side of the land.
ANNOUNCER: I suppose he wanted to see a platypus, too!
CALLER: Fair dinkum! It’s a good thing I was fairly sure we’d see a few roos and maybe some emus, or he’d a thought he was in the wrong Australia!
ANNOUNCER: So how long did it take you to get there?
CALLER: (snicker) It weren’t more than a few hours past noon and he began whinging about how his feet are hurting and he’s a bit hungry. I was feeling peckish myself, so. I figure I better knock off and not push’m too much on the first day.
I found this billabong where we camped for the night. Of course, straight ‘way, he took off his boots and cooled his feet in the water. I told’m to watch for crocs and snakes. (snicker) He scurried back to shore quick smart. Course, there ain’t no crocs in that billabong, and no pizen snakes ‘round, but he don’t know that. I was jest havin’ fun with him.
ANNOUNCER: What did you feed him?
CALLER: I set him to putting up the tent while I looked for some grub, and that’s exactly what I got – white ants and whichetty grubs. Course, I eat them all the time, so I fried a few up and chewed a spoonful. He nibs one bite before clumping into the bush to chuck it up!
ANNOUNCER: What a hoot!
CALLER: I brought out some alligator pears and bird googs, and toasted up some jaffles, but later that night he chucked them too. I heard him hollerin’ about porkypines, so I grabbed my torch, to see what the kafufflewas all about. He had disturbed a nest of echidna puggles. By the time the screaming stopped, there weren’t no creatures within a kilo of us.
ANNOUNCER: I expect Theodore didn’t sleep much that night.
CALLER: (snicker) No…wouldn’t let me sleep neither! Between the dingoes barking, the mossies stinging, and the critters scuffling, he thought we’d be goners by morning. It didn’t help that a goanna lizard found its way into our tent. There weren’t much left of our tent after that!
ANNOUNCER: no tent? Where’d you sleep the next night?
CALLER: With a bushie named Morgy Buckworth…know him?
ANNOUNCER: Morgy? Sure…good Ol’ Bloke!
CALLER: We trekked round the short way…harder walkin’… but shorter. What a nark! He was all puffed, so I let him get in a nanna nap. I told Theodore that Morgy lived just down the road a bit and we would lob in to see him. He gives me this stunned mullet look as if I’m speaking a different language. Course, it was near to sunset when we got there. Theodore was some glad to see Morgy’s thunder box out back!
ANNOUNCER: Did you ever make it to Ayers Rock?
CALLER: No, Theodore had seen enough of the outback face-to-face!
ANNOUNCER: Well, onya, mate! Thanks for the laugh.
CALLER: Hooroo, to you, too!
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