Previous Challenge Entry (Level 4 – Masters)
Topic: Bridge (07/31/08)
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TITLE: Bricks and Bubbles | Previous Challenge Entry
By Yvonne Blake
08/05/08 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
I’m going to build a wall. I don’t even want to look at you.
Slap, Thunk
You probably were talking about me with your other friends.
Slap, Thunk
You can keep your stupid, ugly friends!
Slap, Thunk
Hey…what do think you’re doing? That’s a stupid looking wall.
Well, mine is going to be bigger and taller than yours.
Slap, Thunk
What are you using anyway? Your wall looks shimmery and shiny. Those are dumb looking bricks. Do you want one of mine? They are hard and strong and with sharp corners.
Whizzzzz… Scrape
Did that feel good? Well, that’s how I felt. Why don’t you say anything, instead of kneeling among those silly things and crying? Don’t you care that I’m mad at you?
Slap, Thunk
Hey…yours is leaning. Get away from my wall. Go away! Leave me alone!
Whizzzzz… Boing
Hey…my brick bounced off your wall, didn’t even make a dent. I’ll show you; I’m going to build mine to the sky, so I never have to talk to you ever again!
Slap, Thunk, Slap, Thunk
How’d you get above me? Is SomeOne helping you? Hey…your wall is tipping over on me!
Pop, Pop, Pop, Pop
Your bubbly bricks are popping on mine. They’re dissolving my wall! What kind of powerful solution is in those bubbles?
Hmmmm…this one has some words on it: I AM SORRY
Hmph! What’s this one say? SMILE, I LOVE YOU
YOU ARE MY FRIEND
REMEMBER WHEN WE MADE LICORICE JELLYBEAN COOKIES?
I MISS YOU
WILL YOU COME OVER FOR A GAME OF SCRABBLE?
Sigh…
There’s not much left of my wall. Yours has bent right over it and bridged the gap.
I miss you, too. I’ll be over soon…on the new pathway between us.
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Great, fresh writing to make your message memorable. Super job! God bless.
Umm Licorice Jellybean Cookies???
The onomatopeia was perfect. It added so much to the story. I enjoy reading older stories. It's nice to see how the writer grows. You were brilliant 8 years ago, and even more so now.
I bet you noticed the exclamation points when you reread them and thought you should cut some out because you don't need them. Your great word choice does the exclaiming for you. I loved your variety of onomatopeia too, even the hmm and humph in the actual dialog.
You are so talented. If you've never done anything with this story, I think you should. I'm sure you didn't originally plan it as a picture or early chapter book, but since that's my favorite genre, I tend to lean in that direction. I could see this as a best seller if you had the right illustrator. I can't help you with the drawings, but if there is anything I can do to help you, I'd be delighted. I'd love to read this to my granddaughter when she's a bit bigger.