The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
09/14/12
I liked how you drew the reader in to the story and then slipped in a lesson about the trinity. Only one tiny thing stood out as being awkward and that was the line "for those watching their fat". Maybe saying watching their weight or fat grams might sound better to readers. This is an excellent story.
Very well written. Conversation flowed well and sounded natural. Good way to get a little doctrine taught without preaching! Good writing here!
09/14/12
Good job with the topic and a well written entry, nicely done. Thank you.

God Bless~
09/16/12
Yes, I think you masterfully slipped in a lesson without it sounding like a lesson. I got a kick out of the MC getting his neighbor to answer his own question. I also liked the subtle layers of symbolism you slipped in, like how Jim came and went from 'the darkness' of his garage.

Very well done.