Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Achievement (03/08/12)
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TITLE: The Shiny Bracelet | Previous Challenge Entry
By C D Swanson
03/08/12 -
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Misty began her descent into the hole in the ground thankful to be out of the cold for the moment. She heard the train approaching and hopped down two steps at a time to board the metal “submarine.” She made it!
The image of bills piled high filled her mind, “I know God will help me with these issues, so I won’t worry. If I get this promotion, my problems will dissipate.”
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath, about to enter relaxation for the first time since awakening, only to be disturbed by a male voice singing.
“Two for one, three for two.” His black eyeglasses were barely held together with tape, his white hair held back in a ponytail. “Buy one in every color!” He limped up and down the car of the train.
“Thirty-Fourth Street,” the conductor’s deep voice reverberated through the overhead speakers.
“Only one more stop and I may make it to that presentation after all. I may actually get this promotion.”
She watched as people waited anxiously to exit. The elderly hawker although limping, was doing an outstanding job of balancing his “beautiful shiny bracelets.”
The train stopped and the doors opened wide… the crowd rushed out paying no mind to the elderly man they toppled to the ground. The bracelets came off the stick, rolling every which way while he watched helplessly.
Misty looked at the old man sprawled on the floor, his precious shiny bracelets scattered throughout the length of the car. She watched the doors close while helping the old man up.
“Sir, are you okay?”
“Yes…but my bracelets!” His voice cracked with emotion.
“It’s okay…the majority of them are right under this seat.” She got down on her knees, searching and gathering as many as she could find… and started placing them on the two sticks. She smiled and he smiled back.
“I think you got them all Miss!”
“Yes I did. I’m Misty-what’s your name sir?”
“My name is Clegg… pleased to meet ya Misty.”
“I’m getting off at the next station. But, before I do I’d like to buy one of these beauties.” She opened her wallet, and he touched her hand and shook his head.
“No it’s on me! I’ll give ya the gem of the bunch…this little beauty right here.” He pried free a deep purple bracelet with shiny rhinestones and slid the “gem” over her hand onto her wrist.
“Thank you so much sir,” she said her eyes brimming with tears.
“I hope I didn’t cause ya too much trouble.”
“Not at all, this is my stop coming up, “she fibbed.
As the train pulled into the station she said with a smile, “Good-bye Clegg.”
“Bye Misty.”
With a running pace Misty finally arrived at work, “Good morning Mr. Crowley, I…”
“Do you know how much money you’ve probably cost this firm? The Christian network was waiting for a commercial about being humble. What the heck happened to you?”
“It’s a long …”
“There’s no excuse…None!” Misty watched him walk away abruptly.
She called the Christian network, “Misty Jones for Mr. Johnson?”
“One moment please.”
“Hello Miss Jones.” He coughed, “Pardon me… tell me what happened?”
“Sir, it is a rather long story. However it is the truth, so if you will bear with me, I will tell you exactly what transpired today. It started with losing electricity, the alarm not going off, and missing my station stop on the train…And, of course the beautiful shiny bracelets and Clegg.” When she was through, there was silence.
“That’s exactly what we’re looking for!” His voice was filled with incredulity, “I want this to air next week. Okay?”
“Yes sir!”
“God Bless you.”
“You too Sir, thank you,” Misty sat back in her chair not fully comprehending what just happened. This means she gets the promotion!
As Misty touched her shiny bracelet she noticed a prism of light creating a rainbow on the wall. She looked upward, and smiled, “Thank you Lord…you are amazing.”
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“This is based on a true story that happened in New York City. I had that bracelet for years, until one day...I lost it.”
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I liked the irony of the boss guy who chewed her out. Being humble ... haha! Sounds like he needs to watch his own commercials.
Only a dab of red ink: be careful to maintain the same tense throughout the story. i.e. Not switching from past tense to present tense.
Great job!
My only critique would be with the very first sentence; it reads a bit awkwardly. Perhaps if you changed it a bit, "Already behind schedule, Misty walked quickly toward the subway station."
Well done, great story!
The story flows well, though a couple of small glitches show in mixing past narrative with a present tense mention of her credit card debts in the first para, and you mix these tenses again in your last para.
The warmth from the coffee may be better described as a radiant heat rather than as a stream, which creates a picture in my (strange) mind of a leak somewhere.
But these are very minor issues in a major "feel good" story.