Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Outlook (06/02/11)
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TITLE: Grandma can I tell you something? | Previous Challenge Entry
By Phee Paradise
06/07/11 -
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Grandma, you know. We went to church before we went to the beach. We sang five songs. I’m five. See, five fingers, one two three four five. Mrs. Wilson said what do you want to sing. Tommy said Jesus loves me but I wanted to sing the walls song. It’s my favorite.
The walls came tumbling down, splat. Like that. You have to go splat, Grandma. I stamped my foot in a puddle and it went splat all over. We got a new sprinkler. It goes round and round like this. I got wet like a shower but not my head. I took a shower after dinner. You say supper but it’s dinner. I’m hungry. I want a snack.
Grandma, may I, can you please give me a snack? I want a peach. Peaches are yummy. Tommy doesn’t like peaches, he says they stink and have poop inside. giggle He’s silly. He thinks peaches are poopy. giggle Peaches don’t have poop in them. Peaches are yummy. They’re my favorite. Mommy made waffles for breakfast. Daddy put strawberries and whipped cream on them. When I open my mouth Daddy squirts whipped cream in it. Mommy says stop but Daddy laughs. Strawberries are my favorite. S starts with strawberry. Sss sounds like S just like Sammy. Sss. Sammy.
Please can I, may I have a drink? Can I have the green cup? Green is my favorite but Tommy likes blue. Kami’s bucket is blue but she took my bucket. I hid the shovel for a buried treasure but Kami found it and wouldn’t give it back. Her mommy said Kami tell Sammy you’re sorry. Mrs. Wilson says I have to tell Jesus I’m sorry when I make bad choices. Hitting Tommy is a bad choice.
I hit him ‘cause he took my green crayon. Mrs. Wilson took it away but I had to sit in the time out corner. Mrs. Wilson says Jesus is sad I hit Tommy. I told Jesus I’m sorry and I told Tommy I’m sorry but don’t take my crayons.
Mrs. Wilson says Jesus loves me. He’s my favorite.
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This had me laughing out loud! Great job!
Also, I find when I'm in a kid's head, even though more is more when you're in a kid's head-- when you're a grown-up reading it, you still need a pinch less. So if it were me, I'd slim it down a little.
But those are really minor things. I think you did a great job.
Congratulations for placing 10th in advanced and 29 overall!