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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Click (04/18/13)

TITLE: Death of a Killer
By Sheldon Bass
04/24/13


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Death of a Killer

It was a temporary, solitary holding cell; not nearly as secure as where the deranged psychopath and serial killer was heading. Once at the maximum security prison it would be near impossible to escape. None of the prosecutors, who'd sent Rafael Huber to prison, had the slightest inkling that his over-night accommodations were to him, as easy as a cardboard box to break free of.

With a sinister grin, he spoke, "So boring... Not much of a challenge..." emitting a sarcastic sigh,

"Ho-Hum," pleased with his deluded, self-perceived superiority.

Taking down the upper portion of an orange jumpsuit, he rubbed at an ostensible five inch long abdominal scar—deciding it was time. The ugly red scar appeared to be surrounded by dry skin. A tiny tab of that skin stuck out along the bottom end of the blemish. This, his dirty fingernails pinched a hold of, and began pulling, peeling back what had been a fake scar.

Humming a monotone note,

"Hmm, hmm, hmm..."

With dexterous fingertips the convict pulled out of that impromptu skin sheath, a four inch pick, as big around as a wire coat hanger, flat at one end—the other round, and sharpened to a point.

"There you are, you little devil."

At the stainless steel mirror above the sink, he opened wide his mouth to dig with the pointed end into an imperceptible hole on a rear molar.

"Say ahh."

He pried, and pulled out a tooth—also false.

"Hmm, Hmm, hmm..."

Crushing the white object, that had masqueraded as a molar, on the edge of the sink with the flat end of the wire shank, he scraped the now powdered white stuff into a pile. The substance was put into a drinking cup with a little water, swirled around and drunk. The wire and scar were put back into place.

"Back you go. hmm, hmm..."

His homemade chemical concoction did well in simulating a heart attack. When he woke from the resulting unconsciousness, phase two of his plan was put into action. Now at the infirmary, awaiting an ambulance, handcuffed to a gurney, he continued to feign unconsciousness.

On the trip to the hospital, Huber's armed guard sat prepared for any contingency. Jeremy Watts was an ex-Marine, having served in Guatemala and Afghanistan. But what served him best this day was his relationship with the Lord. The next few moments in time had already been played out and revealed in a dream the night before. He knew what was coming.

Back at the infirmary, the pick was used; the cuffs loosened; the hand would easily slip free. Re-clamped on the left wrist, they were tightened to only the first click. The shank was now well concealed in the killer's deadly right hand. Though Jeremy knew what was about to happen, it came swiftly.

Rafael's confidence in himself was foolishly misplaced. This cop was a man of God and a fighter as well.

Huber lunged for the kill!

But the Christian warrior's tactic worked well; leaning swiftly to the left, aiding Rafael to fly past him. Jeremy pushed the prisoner's face to the floor of the ambulance.

As Rafael tried to turn around, there was the tell-tale metallic click of a nine millimeter pistol behind the profligate's head. He'd been had—his genius thwarted by omniscience—outsmarted—a first.

His hands were cuffed behind his back, while the ambulance became a transport vehicle, delivering the prisoner to Pelican Bay maximum security prison.

As they passed through the metal gate, Rafael needed to understand what went wrong, asking Jeremy,

"You Knew?"

"God knew."

"You tellin me God told you my plan?"

"He reveals a lot of things, to those who belong to Him."

Jeremy pulled out a Bible, and stuffed it under the condemned man's restrained arm.

"Jesus wants you to know Him Rafael. These are His words. He told me to give them to you."

As the prison guards took custody, Jeremy turned to walk away, but something had clicked in Rafael's mind. It was a powerful click, much more than that of a hammer on a pistol being cocked behind his head. "This God is smarter than me."

"Hey cop... Officer Watts is it?"

"Yeah?"

"Would you come visit me, and tell me about this God?"

"You can count on it."

Jeremy smiled, silently praising God while walking away. In his dream, he'd also seen a soul winner inside the prison, where there once was a psychopathic killer.


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This article has been read 173 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Lois Farrow04/25/13
Powerful story, well done
Patsy Hallum04/26/13
Yes. through salvation we die to our passed lives. Great story, told with tact.I could feel the "I am the best" coming from MC.But, as we know, Jesus is best!Keep Writing!
Christina Banks 04/29/13
High energy story. I liked it! My only red ink would be to not give away that the cop knew about the plan. It took away some of the danger and suspense for me. In my opinion, keeping inside just the killer's conscience would have made this story even more powerful. I do like how you ended with the gospel clicking inside of the killer's mind. Good job!
lynn gipson 04/29/13
A very well written unique take on the topic. You definitely have a way of telling a fine suspenseful story. Pulled me right in from beginning to end. Powerful. Very well done.

This style of writing reminded me of John Grisham.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 04/29/13
This is a thrilling story. I liked how you used the topic. There have been a few gun click, but yours was different, along with the click of the handcuffs.

Many writers struggle with the show don't tell concept. Take this line: With a sinister grin, he spoke,
It's more telling than showing. Instead try showing with something like He smirked as he rolled his eyes. "Not much of a challenge."
It tells the reader who is speaking and shows his personality.

I wondered why the metal detectors that are in all the courthouses and jails these days didn't notice the pick, but I could get over that by implementing the term literary license as I thought this was quite a clever plot. You really have quite a way of building the suspense. I thought the ending was good too. It had a nice message but didn't come off as preachy. Good job.
Judith Gayle Smith04/29/13
Comparing your style to that of John Grisham is indeed a well-deserved observation. This is brilliantly written and engrossing. More! Encore!
Alicia Renkema04/30/13
The only thing that confused me about this surprisingly delightful piece (because of the turn that it took at the end) is that I could not figure out how someone manages to have a fake scar. That was a little hard for me to grasp, yet I loved this well thought out story. Your MC was so wicked in the beginning and you had me convinced he was going to get away with his plan too. I loved the whole dream - idea that you had God give to the guard. God is so faithful and loving. I love the way this piece ended to, a psycho path turned soul-winner and that that had been part of the dream as well. This was fabulous writing. I don't usually read things with this kind of a beginning but I am really glad I read this because the ending was so awesome. Thank you so much for this wonderful piece.
Loren T. Lowery05/01/13
Intriguing and thoroughly plotted. I liked the thoughtful unfolding sequences. It reads like an McGyver adventure. Great work.
Cinda Carter05/02/13
I just noticed the title of the story after reading it. A death of a killer which meant to me he died to the old life when he realized God is what he needed. Very well thought out story and I loved the ending of this mans destiny. What an awesome story.
lynn gipson 05/02/13
Congratulations on a fine, well deserved win. This story blew my mind with its exceptional story line!
Alicia Renkema05/02/13
Loren was right, this does read like a McGyver novel. I absolutely loved this and I am so glad it placed. Congrats any many blessings to you.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/02/13
Congratulations on placing 3rd in your level and 11 overall! (OOOHHH so close!)
Judith Gayle Smith05/03/13
Congratulations!
Claudia Thomason 05/03/13
With a law enforcement background, I am completely drawn into stories about criminals and law enforcement. I enjoyed this piece. Congratulations!