The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 643 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
12/06/12
Beautiful! Thank you.
God bless~
12/09/12
Lovely piece - enjoyed your reminiscences. Thanks for sharing!
This is such a lovely story. The picture you painted for me of the sunset was beautiful. It reminded me of my birthday when my daughter was 4 or 5. There was a beautiful sunset and I told her that it was God's birthday present to me. Some time later we were driving again when she exclaimed, "Mommy look at the sunset; it must be someone's birthday." The words feel me with a warm feeling every time I'm reminded of her innocence. Thank you for sharing that day with me and giving me a double dose of warm feelings.

I just wanted to share a thought or two with you. This line here: This trip however was different.
would have been a perfect first sentence as the mystery would grab the reader immediately. Also if you can turn it into an active sentence instead of a passive one, you can paint more of a picture for the reader. This is just a quick example to show you what I mean: As I drove home from work, chills ran down my back; something differed this trip from all of the others.
Though it's not a perfect example, I hope you can see how it still creates a sense of mystery and removed the passive verb was. (It's not always easy to do that, I know)

After your first paragraph that almost everyone could relate to, you did a divine job of sharing how this experience was similar to the scriptures. You did a grand job of bring in the topic in a fresh and creative way. This was a delight to read. Congratulations for ranking 6th in level three!