The Official Writing Challenge
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Hey, Dan, who is the mad scientist who thought this time machine up? Seems to me you have been following (oops!) where many a man has tried to go before with spectacular results. God bless both you mad scientists!
This story is a hoot. You had me grinning and chuckling throughout it all.

I did notice some tiny things that could be fixed like when you use Mum or Dad as a name (without a qualifier like his or the in front of it) then the first letter should be capitalized. Also, instead of using tag lines try something to show the reader the character's personality. For example instead of this: I was clearly not convinced. Show the reader what it looks like maybe with something like: I raised my eyebrows and looked at him over my glasses. Neat the end, you had another great showing line instead of using a tagline with this: His shoulders drooped. but because it's a complete narrative sentence, He should be cap and a period at the end instead of a comma.
Narrative lines paint a picture and will prevent you from repeating taglines like he enthused. (You used it twice close together. It's a great verb though and does paint a mental picture.)

You may think I'm being a tad nitpicky, which I am but only because I see a lot of potential in this piece. If you polish it up and switch the MC from an adult to the kid, I think this would be a great tween story. I could see this in a magazine or as a take-home Sunday School piece. You covered the topic in a fresh, exciting way while still packing a powerful message that didn't feel preachy. I truly enjoy your sense of humor and believe you have a natural talent for storytelling. :)
11/08/12
Good fun all the way through, with a strong message that doesn't get too preachy. Graphic word pictures - well done.
11/11/12
I was amused and entertained by this...God bless and thanks for sharing it...