Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Funny (10/04/12)
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TITLE: Betty and Billy and Bobby and Me | Previous Challenge Entry
By Verna Cole Mitchell
10/10/12 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
Just hangin’out with Dad,
Betty and Billy and Bobby and me,
Laughin’ an’ talkin’ an’ havin’ us some fun.
Dad was at the stove,
Doin’ what he does best
With hamburger meat
And onion and cheese.
The good smell from the smoke
Risin’ above the stove
Made our mouths ‘awater.
It must’ve smelt’ good, too,
To a runt of a mouse
That sneaked into the kitchen,
‘Alookin’ for its supper.
When Betty seen that mouse,
She screamed louder ‘an
A crowd at a football game
When our team scores a touchdown.
Billy give a big loud hoot,
While Bobby and me jist’ watched.
Billy run ta’ fetch a broom
Ta’ try an’ wallop that mouse.
He give a mighty swing at it,
And some broom straws barely tapped
The bottom of Dad’s old gray pants.
Dad thought that runt mouse
Had climbed up his pant leg,
And he commenced to dancin’
The funniest dance we ever seen.
He whirlt’ aroun’ on one leg
While he shook the other one,
The one he thought that mouse was on,
With a big ole’ kick.
It was a sight to behold,
Better than anythin’ in a wild dance contest.
We laughed to beat the band,
Betty and Billy and Bobby and me,
Which made us cry so hard,
I thought we’d hafta’ mop
The tears offa’ the floor.
In the middle of all the fuss,
That skeert littel mouse
Run outta’ sight,
Prob’ly glad to get away from
Such strange actin’ giants.
We stopped laughin’,
And then we took it up agin’,
Betty and Billy and Bobby and me,
But Dad dint' think it was all that funny.
We wished we had us a camera
So we coulda' been makin’ a video of Dad’s dance,
But it don’t matter.
We’ll never forget what we seen that night,
Betty and Billy and Bobby and me.
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The dialect was a tiny bit hard for me to get into and for me I lost some of the flow, but I am tone deaf and have a difficult time picking up on rhythm so it could have just been me. The lack of white space overwhelmed me a bit too. But there again, my vision is blurry so it might not bother someone else.
For some reason the title and last line really struck a chord with me. I could picture the group quite vividly and left with a warm feeling in my heart. You did a great job with the alliteration. It's a fine line between overdoing it and not doing enough but you straddled that line with perfection. Nice job.
I should have stopped and said something, but was rushed for time. But, right now, it's only fitting to say "Congratulations!" - this had a rhyme and meter that keeps "dancing" in my head!