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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Predicament (03/01/12)

TITLE: Brick Ball
By Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom
03/08/12


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Hidden among the bushes, Clark curled his knees up and tucked them back and forth. Oh dear God, please help me. This is the worst thing I’ve ever done. He rocked his upper torso back and forth. The rapid movements disturbed his balance. He swayed from dizziness.

The yelping of the siren screamed louder. Clark glanced around and spotted a drain tunnel. He quickly lowered himself into the pipe and plopped into the fetal position. He heard people talking but couldn’t quite make out the words. He crawled along on his hands and knees. Managing to stick the tip of his nose out, he rubbed his eyes with his filthy hands.

Tears started to overflow as his mind zoomed back to last Saturday when he watched that real police show. Mom had warned him about watching that kind of television, but he sneaked in

He inched out on his belly some more. He could see the back end of an ambulance. The paramedics pushed the stretcher into it. He couldn’t see if Quincy was moving or not. He had looked so still and pale when he got knocked over. Clark gasped when the paramedic pulled a white sheet up over his friend’s feet. He cranked his head the other way. Blood was pooling into a huge puddle. Clark quickly flopped onto his belly and puked. It splattered over the drainage pipe.

He rolled on his side and cocked his ear toward the voices. Coach screamed, “What did you boys do? I ran five minutes late for practice. The school is calling your parents to come pick you up. Mrs. Wiley agreed to wait with you until they arrive. You’re not to move a single muscle. I’m going to the hospital to meet Quincy’s parents and try to explain why their son’s blood is all over the ground and not in his head.”

Coach turned to Mrs. Wiley, one of the player’s mothers. “We need to find Clark. The police are bringing the dogs in to help find him.” He handed her a red baseball hat. “This will help.”

As soon as he left, the boys huddled above the drain. Some of the words drifted down into the ditch. “Oh man, Quincy’s dead.”

“Have you ever seen so much blood? There’s gotta be a gallon there. Clark’s goin’ to jail for murder.”

“He won’t be playing baseball for a long time.”
“Maybe, but Dad says the prison is like a country club, with a baseball diamond, tennis courts, and flat screens.”

Mrs. Wiley walked up and put her arms around a couple of the boys. Just then Officer Pete joined them. “What happened?” He pointed to a blond boy.

The boy gulped and shuffled his feet stirring up dust. “Well, Coach was late so we decided to have some fun and started a chestnut war.”

Officer Pete raised his right eyebrow.

Opening his hand, he revealed several brown balls. “We started chucking them at each other. Ya know, to see who’s the toughest. Quincy clobbered Clarke and he yelped like a dog. Clark don’t not like winning so he bent over and threw that brick. It hit Quincy smack in the head. He fell on the ground and blood sprayed everywhere.”

“Do you know where Clark is now?”

“He turned chicken and runned.”

Just then everyone heard a splash. Clark crashed into the water. The officer plucked hiout.. “You must be Clark?”

Clark nodded.

“Why’d ya throw the brick, son?” He put his hand on Clark’s shoulder and felt them shrug. “Don’t you like Quincy?”

Nodding Clark threw himself into the arms of the officer. “I didn’t mean to kill him. I just got mad. I hate that he always beats me. Am I goin’ to jail?”

“Well, you’re certainly in a pickle but I think Quincy is going to be fine.”

“You mean I didn’t kill him?”

“Head wounds bleed a lot. You call his parents and apologize. Also it might be a good idea to offer to pay for his medical bills.”

Clark’s face turned crimson. “I can’t work, I have baseball practice.”

“Not anymore. You’re lucky; you could be spending the night in juvie.”

Clark’s mother pulled up. Clark felt a rush of relief as he climbed into the back seat.

His mom hugged him. “Poor baby. I heard what the officer said about you not playing again. Don’t worry. I’ll make sure you’re on the roster. I’m president of the school board after-all.”


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This article has been read 385 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Camille (C D) Swanson 03/08/12
A very valuable lesson can be learned from this "ending." Great job with this story...clever use of topic.

Thank you for this.

God Bless~
Theresa Santy 03/10/12
Lots of great tension in this story, kept me wondering what's going to happen next. I also noticed lot's of great detail, scenery, emotions, etc.

Looks like somehthing happened to the end of paragraph three, missing some words, or at least a period?

I was left wondering at the end. Did I understand correctly that the mother was an overprotective, over coddling parent, and she's going to try to lesson Clark's punishment?

Dannie Hawley 03/11/12
A great story and very well done! If this is a true story, I hope there is a topic that will give the conclusion for the MC and his mother. Certainly, she could see that dropping him from the team was the best thing to keep him out of trouble in the future? You kept me reading, in any case, and wanting more.
Danielle King 03/11/12
I love a touch of realism - blood puddling and puke splattering! lol!I also loved your 'brick throwing' style. That's the way to get 'em noticed. HaHa! This is a good story in spite of it's last minute dash to deadline, and you've already pointed out the errors so no need to repeat. I feel your sense of injustice in that Craig got to play again while the victim was out of action owing to his injury. Good job!
Hiram Claudio03/13/12
A wonderfully creative story and very well written. It held my attention and I appreciate ending it with the MC's parent "not getting it." It really stood out against the backdrop of all that had happened to that point. Well done!
Laura Manley03/13/12
This entry is so on target as far as the topic is concerned AND as far as what parents will "do" for their little sports buddy. It's so unfortunate because Clark probably never did learn a lesson. I thought your story, despite the few words you describe as being left out and Clark(e)'s name being spelled differently at one time, I loved this story. It had a lot of action packed into the amount of permissible word count. Excellent story!
Edmond Ng 03/13/12
The imagery, tension and feelings are expressed very well in your story. Well done on a nicely written piece!
Amy Michelle Wiley 03/14/12
For some reason at first I pictured Clark as being mentally slow, but near the end I started realizing he was probably just scared. I thought the ending was a little sad with the coddling mother. But great job at having me right there in the action, worried about Quincy. Glad he was okay!
Verna Cole Mitchell 03/14/12
You did an excellent job on the suspense, as well as providing a good example of poor parenting.
Patsy Hallum04/14/12
I had trouble following this. I love the idea and the pain and sickness the mc felt, but it was sketchy. It looks more like it belongs to me not you!