The Official Writing Challenge
This article has been read 622 times
Member Comments
This pricked my heart....
I am beyond speechless! This hurt my heart. I wanted to put my arms around this child and take her home.

Powerful, emotional, and spot on with the topic.

God bless you~
Powerful story; well written. My parents were foster parents to children removed from abusive homes, so this piece moved me in an unusual way. Very emotional story; subject well done.

My only critique would be the last paragraph; "Her mind whirled as she tried to picture what her father would do if someone took Ashley to a different house." The person tense doesn't fit--is Ashley talking? It seems so, yet, she refers to herself in the third person tense; Ashley.

Other than that, the story is most excellent.

I liked the story it was very good. The only thing I didn’t understand at the end I was confused by all of the “kid’s starred” comment. When she went into the nurse’s office I pictured her being there just with the nurse. Otherwise it was a great story. I hope that someday I can be as descriptive as you.
Ooo, good job at letting us feel her embarrassment at the same time as touching our hearts with her plight.
Oh my gosh, how this touched my heart. Poor Child. I loved the story though, very well told.
This was so powerful! It grabbed my heart and didn't let go. I could feel this little girl's pain, shame, and despair. You wrote this MC so vividly that she jumped off the page.

What a wonderful piece of writing!
Like the others this touched me deeply and once again I find myself wondering how any parent can be so cruel to their own child. I kept waiting, as I read, for one of the children to take pity on her and offer her kindness and to share their food. More pity that not one did. I don’t know if this is fictional, but tragically it could be true for all too many children out there. Well written, heart grabbing piece
Such a heart wrenching topic with so many stories like this one lived out by children all over the world. I had a mother dump her 14 year old daughter in my front yard once and scream how she hated her and didn't want her. That young girl found Jesus while staying with us (the court eventually sent her to live with a married sister). Today that girl is married with 3 daughters and still in church. It takes so little to give hope to some children. God help us to be willing! Gos bless!
My heart just breaks reading this. Well done and so sad. Thanks for sharing.
You depicted the pirhana-like nature of school children rather well and I could feel the MC's shame.

I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but the name 'Mrs. Frost' made me feel like this woman was going to be ice cold, and I was sure she was only going to add to the MC's problems. Turned out Mrs. Frost was actually quite warm!
As a teacher, I can say you have captured the heartbreak in situations such as this one. I think the timing of this piece is well-planned. Other than agreeing with some of the other critiques, the only thing I would add is that you might think about showing a bit more conflict in Ashley as she leaves with the nurse....hope AND fear...hope AND doubt....etc. Nice job with a difficult subject.
This is so powerfully expressed, and sadly a too-frequent experience for the voiceless vulnerable in our world. The word limit has got in your way, but thank you for this sensitive portrayal.
C O N G R A T U L A T I O N S on your HC! Powerful story and left me wanting a sequel!
Congrats Shann! Woohoo!
Congratulations Shann. This was a very worthy HC placing.
Absolutely heartbreaking! It takes a gifted writer to reach hearts.
Congratulations on this highly acclaimed entry. I really loved it! I thought it was going to get first place...But happy you received recognition for this moving tale.
God bless~
A moving story, and one with many truths, well done.
Hi -

This is a precious read.

My heart ached for that abused and lonely child. For so many, that's a reality. May our Lord rescue those many precious souls.