To be performed in reader’s theatre style
CAST OF CHARACTERS
Offstage Announcer: Thank you for listening to KPEW. The program you are about to enjoy is brought to you courtesy of Manna in a Minute!
(Announcer reads commercial)
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(Opening theme music)
Jim: Hello, and welcome to Gridiron of God! I’m Jim Bodeen.
Phil: And I’m Phil Fisher. Well, Jim, we’re back at Church of the Presumption, and it looks like the Rev. has started the game off with a bang!
Jim: Nope, that was just a praise team member knocking over a music stand.
Phil: Heh, heh, heh. So it is. It’s a good thing vocalists don’t need coordination to sing!
Jim: You’ve got that right, Phil. Looks like it’s going to be an exciting morning. I’m expecting to see some great action out there in the pews!
Phil: The players are assembling as we speak.
Jim: Looks like we have our regulars. There’s Lola Stevens jockeying for her customary position in the second pew on the left side. She’s sitting…she’s getting comfortable…
Phil: Oh—oh, it looks like Lola forgot her bulletin! She’s up! She’s making a mad dash down the center aisle!
Jim: But wait! What’s this? A newcomer just came up the side aisle…and is sitting in Lola’s seat!
Phil: Here comes Lola. She’s noticed the seat snatcher…she’s coming in for the sack…
Jim: Denied! Interception by Ted Peters, the head usher!
Phil: Nice play there, Ted. That’s why they put you in charge, buddy!
Jim: What’s this in the foyer?
Phil: It’s little Billy Collins! He’s trying to find his mother. He’s searching…he’s crowding in between the adults…he’s…
Jim: He’s wiping snot on the pastor’s wife’s skirt!
Phil: I’d hate to have to do her dry cleaning!
Jim: That’s for sure. Ah, Ethel Ratzenberger is taking her seat at the organ. It must be time for the service to start.
Phil: An interesting tidbit of information for you, Jim—Ethel is a third-generation organist for the Church of the Presumption. Her mama played organ, her mama’s mama played organ, and doggone it if she’s going to let the tradition die.
Jim: Yes, indeed. Too bad she’s always a couple bars ahead.
Phil: But you’ve got to admit, Jim, it does lend itself to a rather unique cacophony reverberating off the stained glass windows.
Jim: Speaking of reverberating, there’s Richard Jones, making a joyful noise.
Phil: A loud, painful, joyful noise!
Jim: Looks like Janice O’Donnell has had enough. She’s rolling her eyes…she’s contemplating giving Richard a penalty.
Phil: And he’s oblivious, singing at the top of his lungs. Ooh, that was a sour note.
Jim: That did it. She’s tapping him on the shoulder…he’s turning around…
Phil: She’s saying something…it’s faint, but I think I can make it out…she’s saying, “God gave everyone a gift, but honey, singin’ ain’t yours.”
Jim: Ouch! That hit below the hymnal!
Phil: You know that smarts!
Jim: Yup. And if Janice has any smarts, she’ll choose another pew next week!
Phil: Speaking of next week, that’s all the time we have for today. Join us next week for a peek at the pastor’s playbook.
Jim: We’ll be interviewing the Rev. about important church issues, like whether or not the praise team can use drums…
Phil: And how to get around that pesky ‘but-we’ve-always-done-it-this-way’ committee!
Jim: Until next time, remember to buy Manna in a Minute, and you’ll never want for your daily bread!
(Closing theme music)
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