The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
03/20/10
Your story kept my interest thoughout. I could just see these two brothers in all their "activities". :) (plus my husband is the youngest of 6 boys and I've heard similar stories :) ) I liked your ending (it warmed my heart). Nice work!
03/21/10
I can SO see this happening! I toured many caves with my family when I was a kid, and was often tempted to cross the barrier and explore. Great job using dialog to build your characters and tell (I mean "show") the story. Love your WOW moment. :)
03/21/10
I liked your story so much when I finished it that I forgot the red ink you requested. :) In the beginning, the words "perhaps" and determined" don't sound like what an 8-year old would say. And I think you switched tense after the first paragraph? That's all! Great entry. :)
03/22/10
I really enjoyed this! You did very well at creating the family dynamics - slightly harassed parents, squeemish sister and of course mean older brother picking on younger one. I loved the older brother taking responisibility in the end, he was a "well-rounded" character, not as mean as he looked!
Thank you for submitting such pleasurable reading! This is a well written and interesting story. Wow!
03/22/10
I enjoyed your story, from beginning to end! Well done!
Felt like I was in that cave too. I was nervous, thinking about what Tommy was going to do next. Him fessing up at the end, completely took me by surprise!
03/22/10
Loved the interaction between these two boys and their family. I'm glad the oldest finally owned up:) Cute story.
03/22/10
Great story... authentic dialogue... Glad the little rascal owned up!

(The tense in the first paragraph should match the rest of the story.)
03/22/10
I really enjoyed your journey... great dialogue. Great job.
03/22/10
I really like stories that are about small moments of great significance. This is one of those--the moment a boy begins to understand responsibility. Loved the details about the cave, too. I think I may have visited that one (in Missouri, right?) when I was a child. Well done.
03/23/10
This is so awesome - and the ending is perfect. As far as red ink, the only thing I could say is that some of the vocabulary seemed a little older than an 8-year-old: petrified, for example. Great inspiration!
03/24/10
I enjoyed this story very much. Also thankful I didn't have a younger (or older)sibling who got me in trouble all the time. I liked the title and how you mentioned it at the beginning and the end of the story. That gives the story subtle cohesiveness, in my opinion.
Good story with a great message. My only "red ink" would be to let the reader know early on where this cave was with a few descriptions. Story held my interest all the way through.
Great story here with a wonderful lesson.
03/24/10
Haha...the ending with the headlock is just perfect. You captured their characters wonderfully and I loved the POV you chose, it just made this come alive through younger eyes. Nicely done! I liked it.
03/24/10
Ha! Great ending and superb opening. I really enjoyed this entry. Your story telling voice is very sincere and allowed me to relax and enjoy the piece. Great job. God bless.
PS Great title too!
03/25/10
I enjoyed this on a couple of levels, being a parent myself and a sister of six boys.
Believable and interesting.

Mona
04/20/10
This family dialogue was so believable and the relationships felt "real". Great job!