Just lookin’ fur a bar
Izzy burst through the cedar plank door and nearly splintered it off its hinges as she slammed it shut again. She was sucking wind something awful when the brute force of her pursuer hit that same entryway.
The adrenaline was flowing through her veins like an unleashed fire-hose as she turned the key and dove for the floor. Again, the attacker attempted to blow through the barricade like a Sherman tank. The old lumber bowed ominously. “Where was that phone?”
Jasper whistled while he whittled and wondered what was taking his wife so long to bring him a bit of chocolate. For two weeks they’d hiked the Appalachian Trail, set for a spell in the Great Smoky Mountains and then turned up toward Shenandoah National Park. The Blue Ridge Mountains with their haziness were a fascinating sight as he huffed and puffed off his “city fat”.
The new mountain man leaned back against a stately fir and let the cares of the world melt away. His last conscious thought was “Where was that almond bar?”
His faithful wife had almost found it two hours earlier. At noon, Jasper had started complaining of blisters while they were still ten miles from the cabin. They slowed the pace and snacked on sandwiches and sucked up the last of their canteens.
Eventually they stopped. Izzy leafed through the guide book with him identifying dogwoods, sourwoods, blackgums, Tulip-trees, hickories, red maples, oaks, pines, hemlocks, spruce and fir. Only city folks could fathom the fascination with God’s creation like this. “Where was that city that they had thought was everything?”
When Izzy began to hint that any man worth his salt could haul his carcass the last few steps to their stopping point for the night Jasper invited her to go on ahead and see if she could do it. Perhaps it was poor water conservation which left her dehydrated and a little irritable but Izzy informed him that she would do just that and he could find his own way to their next honeymoon hideout. “Where was the man she had married just a month ago?”
Jasper anchored himself in place and shucked off his hiking boots to prove his stubbornness. As Lizzy trekked off he yelled over his shoulder “Why don’t you stop at that store and get me my favorite chocolate bar while you’re at it.” “Where was that woman he had married such a short time ago?”
Izzy knew immediately the shortcomings of a lifetime of city dwelling. Every cell in her body screamed for rest but her pride wouldn’t allow a whisper to escape. She’d gone to Curves and a few miles of mountain ranges weren’t going to conquer her spirit now. Not with that lazy, no good, lumux resting his fat touché while he ogled the eagles riding the thermals. “Where was that store?”
While Jasper settled into his first round of heavy breathing Lizzy began to pray desperately for guidance. She thought her prayers had been answered when she saw a log cabin nestled into a break in the forest just ahead of her. An old pioneer rocked lazily on the porch. “Where was this place?”
Lizzy spotted the sign. Stores. She looked around her and saw nothing else beside the cabin. Without introduction she stumbled up to the sentient settler and said “I need water and an almond bar. Do you have any? Also, I’m looking for the McCoy cabin.” “Where was Wal-Mart when you needed it?”
The bearded old man didn’t slow his rocking any and didn’t even raise an eye lid. “Water’s in the crick. Bar’s round back. McCoy’s place - by the bar. Keys inna door.”
Izzy followed the direction of the thumb and strolled confidently around the back of the cabin. A duplicate logframe shack sat amongst the trees. An open honeycomb sat temptingly in the middle of the clearing on a log. Stopping for a moment she broke off a chunk and chewed.
The Snort and Grrrr got her attention. The shadow terrified her. Turning, Izzy saw a monstrous Appalchian Black Bear standing erect and pawing the air above her. The beeline for the cabin had been a no-brainer.
And now she sprawled on the floor fearing death while Jasper slept unawares.
An hour later the cell rang. It was Jasper. “Where’s my bar,” was all he said.
Gathering her wits Izzy spoke as sweetly as she could. “It’s just outside the door. Come and get it.”
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