The Official Writing Challenge
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I loved the repentent hearts of the people and their tenderness towards the message of the gospel. I also enjoyed the confidence of the little girl and the mystery of her mission. Thank you for an enjoyable read.
03/14/09
A good read. You created the little girl's character so well. I loved the line about her taking his wrist and leaving him behind!!
It is quite an awesome experience telling Bible stories to people who don't already know the ending, and when the result is the salvation of a village - well, hallelujah!
I was going to say you made it all sound too easy, but the martyrdom of the previous missionary brought the balance on that front. Thanks for writing.
Great story reminding us that there are so many hungry people all over the world that really want to hear the story of Jesus.
03/16/09
This was quite touching...nicely done.
03/16/09
I've got goosebumps and a huge smile on my face! A perfect title for this amazing story.
Lovely story well told. I loved your mc.
03/17/09
Wow! This is an amazing story, I hope it's true! Your descriptions were really good and drew me in. Great writing.
I loved your story of a village repenting due to seeds sowed previously. Your descriptions made the story come alive.
03/17/09
Every word drew me in...great hook, and you really kept me wanting to read on.
03/18/09
Wonderfully told story!
03/18/09
Don't know where to "poke" - this truly is wonderful. If you are ACHING for some red ink, I'd probably say the first two paragraphs weren't quite as compelling as the rest. They perhaps dragged just a bit.

But that is ALL I can find. VERY nice.
03/18/09
Very engaging story, just loved the descriptions of the people and their reactions. They felt very alive to me.
Wonderful, wonderful story! Only one 'red ink' I tripped over this: Her eyes big black pools shone through her dark chocolate skin. Maybe you need a comma?

Your story drew me in. Well done!
03/18/09
Don't you love it when adults care enough to follow a child blindly? That's what spoke to me in this story. The willingness to 'just go'. Great story, intriguing in fact.

Mona
A story with a good, happy ending! Well done. I feel better now.
A story well told in the writing! I liked how the MC reflected upon the real sacrifices made to answer the mission call, including the honest admission of self-doubts which added authenticity to the MC. Plus, the story is a powerful representation of God's faithfulness to use and multiply all seeds planted in His Name. Excellent job!
03/18/09
I'm back to humbly offer you some red ink. :)

There are places where you "tell" instead of "show" - for example "her build was slight, almost frail looking" and "I grew breathless trying to keep up with her". Show us her build with vivid descriptions; show his breathlessness with action words. Here: "I doubled over, panting for air" you DO show us. See the difference?

"When I looked up and saw his thick arms with ropes for veins popping through his skin my heart crawled into my throat." Introductory clauses need to be set off with a comma. The comma in this sentence would go after "skin."

"However, his eyes were pools of liquid chocolate, setting me at ease." Great description of his eyes, but no explanation of why they set him at ease. I stumbled here.

"So I told them about Jesus." Telling again. :) Then you follow it by showing. This line isn't really necessary. You don't need to tell AND show. Let the reader glean from the actions that the MC is telling them about Jesus.

I hope this helps!
Cat

03/18/09
Great illustration of how the life of a martyr can have a more lasting effect than first realized. Great title.