Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: India (02/12/09)
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TITLE: The Greatest Sacrifice | Previous Challenge Entry
By Holly Westefeld
02/19/09 -
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ADD TO MY FAVORITES
I sit aside your still form,
Fold back the shroud,
And gaze upon your grayish face.
Fingering flint and iron atop your pyre,
I ponder piety,
Assured by sharing your afterlife.
Else wise, we are parted forever.
I lift my eyes
And rest them on our daughters and our sons--
The younger clinging to the older--
The older staring stone-faced.
Fingering flint and iron atop your pyre,
I wrestle with certain shame,
Assured by shunning such devotion.
Else wise, we are parted forever.
With shuttered eyes
I remember a man,
Strange of speech,
Pale of face.
Fingering flint and iron atop your pyre,
I finally fathom faith you professed
In one whose sacrifice assures salvation.
Else wise, we are parted forever.
Uplifted eyes
View heavens anew.
The shroud replaced,
I look to Christ.
Flicking flint and iron atop your pyre,
Flames consume your shell
As I return to sons and daughters with good news.
Else wise, we are parted forever.
**********
Author's note:
The practice of sati, (or suttee,) a widow sacrificing herself on her husband's funeral pyre, has been outlawed in India for nearly 200 years, but isolated occurrences are still reported.
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The only thing I'd change is to give a tiny bit more of a note to the reader. I've heard of suttee so it made perfect sense to me, but for someone who's not heard of it, the poem may be a bit confusing.
Also the line "pale of face" bothers me but I'm not sure how you would choose to change that.
Well done! You are very talented with poetry.
My only thought to consider is that the line "As I return to sons and daughters with good news" didn't give the "punch" that it could have. The imagery you used through the poem really communicated with my heart, and I think if you had used more imagery in that last line, the ending would have been more powerful.
I really liked the flow of this poem, and the use of repetition even as the poem developed. You did an excellent joy of combining both the poetical tool of repetition and still developing the poem through each stanza.
Excellent job! I hope you try your hand at more free verse in the future!
Blessings,
Ben