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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of "Don't Cut off Your Nose to Spite Your Face" (without using the actual phrase or litera (02/14/08)

TITLE: Is It Turkey or Crow?
By Hanne Moon
02/19/08


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I’ve been cooking for 37 years with no fatalities or a single stomach pump. However, my husband swears that I’m looking for untraceable ways to get rid of him and collect the insurance.

Now I’ll admit, in the first year of our marriage, the man had the patience of Job. He’d gnaw on biscuits the dog wouldn’t touch, he’d swallow vegetables that were unrecognizable, and he accepted the fact that I only knew one way to cook chicken – buried in cream of mushroom soup.

But somewhere in the second year his halo began to tarnish. The man that would smile and tell me, “That’s okay, honey – I like shoe leather,” vanished. In his place was a man that had an opinion—and wasn’t shy about voicing it.

“What’s this green stuff?” he’d sniff suspiciously.

“It’s the latest thing in casseroles,” I would smile, anticipating his delight at the first forkful, that tantalizing taste of vegetables mixed and blended into a culinary masterpiece. When his chewing slowed to one grind every thirty seconds, I just knew he was savoring the flavor.

He finally gave up and spit it out into a napkin. “We’re going to starve.”

Where before he would have patted me on the back and told me he could live on love alone, now he had the gall to suggest I call his mother and ask for help.

My problem was that I had thought we’d defined our roles from the start.

He worked. I spent.

He threw his clothes on the floor. I picked them up and washed them.

He mowed the yard. I built planters he had to go around.

I cooked. He ate.

Neat and simple.

But when he started getting into my kitchen, the battle lines were drawn. This was my domain, and I set out to prove to him that I had talents he’d only dreamed about. I didn’t tell him when to change the oil in the truck, and he was not going to tell me how to cook.

Then one Thanksgiving I had the chance to prove to him once and for all that I could be every bit as Martha Stewart as I wanted to be. It was also the first time I ever displayed masochistic tendencies.

I invited the whole family over.

Everyone.

From both sides.

I was horrified when my husband suggested just cooking the vegetables one at a time and putting them in their individual bowls on the serving table. No casseroles? No gelatin salad?

Just…vegetables? Ughhh.

But the final straw was the turkey.

“What are you doing?” he asked when I pulled the bird out of the refrigerator the night before Thanksgiving and turned the oven on.

“I’ve got a recipe…”

“Oh good grief! You’re going to start experimenting? Now?”

There was that word …experiment. I hated it when he questioned my cooking abilities. I eyed him coolly. “Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.”

“You’ve finally learned how to cook a decent turkey. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.” He was actually in my kitchen, giving me cooking advice!

Shields up! Battle stations! This was war! I’d show him. And when his mother told me how good it was, he was going to have to eat turkey and crow.

The recipe called for preheating the oven to a certain temperature, cooking the turkey for so many hours per pound, then turning the oven off. You weren’t supposed to open the door for many more hours, retaining the heat. The turkey would finish cooking by itself. I had timed it to be ready about 30 minutes after everyone showed up around noon.

That bird was still flapping his wings well into the next afternoon.

I could have crawled under a rock.

My husband came into the kitchen after the last of our guests had gone, and started helping me put the food up. The turkey was still raw, and had begun to smell funny.

We threw it in the trash.

“Not a word,” I cautioned, when I saw his mouth start to move. “I admit, I shouldn’t have…experimented…not today. But don’t rub it in.”

He clutched his chest. “Those words… from your lips. I don’t think my heart can stand it.”

“Oh, shut up,” I growled.

He grinned. “I know the turkey was a disaster, but how does the crow taste?”

I admit … crow’s a tough bird to swallow.


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This article has been read 1044 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shirley McClay 02/21/08
HAHAHA... too funny! Sounds like something I would do! Very well written and entertaining.
Beth LaBuff 02/22/08
Your entry is very entertaining...and probably hits home to a lot of us. :) I love the "We're going to starve" proclamation. And the "neat and simple" section, "My problem was that I had thought we’d defined our roles from the start. He worked. I spent...He mowed the yard. I built planters he had to go around." The Turkey vs Crow Thanksgiving Dinner was super cute. Very nice work.
Sara Harricharan 02/22/08
Heehee! I didn't see that ending coming with throwing the turkey out, I thought the stove would explode or something. lol. I loved the MC in this-and the different between the husband at first and then later. ^_^
Deborah Engle 02/24/08
Wonderful story and written right on!
Jan Ackerson 02/24/08
Wonderful voice--love the wit.
Lyn Churchyard02/26/08
Too funny! This was a great story. I just loved the humour... "Shields up! Battle stations!" and the bird still flapping its wings the next afternoon. Well done!
Karen Wilber 02/26/08
I like all the clipped sentences in this piece, especially:
"I invited the whole family over.
Everyone.
From both sides. " (Aaargh! LOL!)
The pacing and humor kept me engaged throughout. I like this.
Debbie Wistrom02/26/08
Wonderful take on the topic. I'm glad my first bird came out ok. If this is a true sharing I really appreciate the candiness of this piece.
Jeanie Pinkston02/26/08
Your title was great, and the first line pulled me right into the story. Very well paced and well written throughout. I enjoyed it tremendously!
Laury Hubrich 02/27/08
Great job! So funny and I can relate!
Laury
Seema Bagai 02/27/08
Funny story. Your main character has a great voice in this piece.
Beckie Stewart02/27/08
Well written piece and so funny! Loved it. I am not a kitchen person, so I really appreciated this piece.
Loren T. Lowery02/27/08
: ) : ) : ) So, witty and funny and lifted my spirits. I could just see everything, it was all so true to life. Great job!
Verna Cole Mitchell 02/27/08
So much fun! So well written!
Jan Ackerson 07/01/09
Hanne, I'm going to feature this delightful story on the Front Page Showcase for the week of July 26. Look for it on the FaithWriters home page...and congratulations!
Diana Dart 07/29/09
This was just delightful - loved every minute of it. Imagine the nerve of him... humpf. Great piece - witty, entertaining and just plain fun.
Glynis Becker 07/29/09
Hilarious! The best humor is filled with truth and this was no exception...haven't we all done something like this at one time or another? Fantastic piece.
karla mendoza07/30/09
this piece was well written and very entertaining!!!! thank u for sharing!!!
Sherrie Coronas08/02/09
So glad this got featured. I enjoyed it very much. Nicely written!!!
Jackie Wilson08/04/09
This was comedic perfection! Bravo!