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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of "A Man is Known by the Company He Keeps" (without using the actual phrase). (01/31/08)
As a physician-in-training in the late 1970's, I rotated among a variety of public hospitals, learning clinical skills on patients who were grateful to have someone, anyone, care enough to take care of them. Sometimes the doctors I worked under were less than
ideal, but they were my teachers.

I was finishing my last on-call night on my obstetrical rotation at a large military hospital. I had delivered 99 babies during my 6 week rotation. My supervising doctors had kept me busy on that last day trying to get me to the *100th* delivery as bragging rights for what great teachers they were. It was a meaningless goal yet they kept cheering me on, and looking for patients for me to deliver.

After an exhausting day and two hours sleep, I was shaken awake at 4:30 AM by a nurse saying I was needed right away. A woman had arrived in labor only 30 minutes before and though it was her first baby, she was pushing and ready to deliver. My 100th had arrived.

The delivery room lights were blinding; I was barely coherent when I greeted this almost-mother and father as she pushed, with the baby's head crowning. I knew the drill. Gown up, gloves on, sit between her propped up legs. Amniotic fluid and blood dribbled out and splashed on my shoes and the sweet salty smell permeated everything. I was concentrating so hard on doing every step correctly, I didn't think to notice whether the baby's heart beat had been monitored.

The head crowned, and sucking out the baby's mouth, I thought its skin color looked dusky, so checked quickly for a cord around the neck, thinking it may be tight. No cord found, so the next push brought the baby out into my lap, bluish purple, floppy, not responding. I quickly clamped and cut the cord and rubbed the baby vigorously with a towel. Nothing, no response. A nurse swept in and grabbed the baby and ran over to the pediatric heat lamp and bed and started resuscitation. Chaos ensued. The mother and father began to cry, the pediatric and obstetrical physicians came running, hair askew, eyes still sleepy, but suddenly shocked awake with the sight of a blue floppy baby.

I sat stunned. I tried to review in my foggy mind what had gone wrong and realized at no time had I heard this baby's heart beat from the time I entered the room. No nurse could remember listening to the baby after the first check when they had arrived in active labor 30 minutes earlier. The heart beat was fine then, but because the staff were more caught up in getting me my 100th delivery, it had not been checked again.

It was not an excuse, and it was not acceptable. It was a terrible mistake that had become mine because I participated as part of the team.

This baby had died sometime in the previous 30 minutes. It was not apparent why until the placenta delivered; obviously it had prematurely separated from the uterine wall so the circulation to the baby had been compromised. Potentially, with continuous monitoring, this would have been detected and the baby delivered in an emergency C section in time.

The pediatrician worked for another 20 minutes on the little lifeless baby. His parents held each other, sobbing. I had no idea what to say as a witness to such agony. I said I was so sorry, so sad they lost their baby, felt so badly there had been no way to know sooner. The doctors around me said nothing whatsoever other than “it was an accident of nature.” I knew better, mortified at such callousness. There was no comfort for me as I struggled with my guilt.

I went on as a family physician to deliver hundreds of babies during my career but could never forget the baby that might have had a chance. This baby should be in his 30's with children of his own, his parents now proud and loving grandparents.

I wonder if I'll meet him again someday, this little soul that almost was, if I'm ever forgiven enough to share a piece of heaven with innocent babies who never got to draw a breath.

I know my forgiveness will be a gift of grace accepted with the gratitude of the guilty. And I must forgive the teachers whose error I shared.
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This article has been read 1170 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Colin Swann
02/08/08
What an emotional and disturbing piece. It seems like a true testimony. We have all made mistakes that have stayed with us - even though we have confessed and been forgiven. A very well written posting. Thank you for sharing.
Joanne Sher 
02/10/08
Very engaging and heart-wrenching. This certainly reads as true - if it isn't, you have done an amazing job of making it feel as if it is. If it is, I am praying for your acceptance of God's gift of forgiveness.
Jan Ackerson
02/11/08
Thank you for sharing this...I pray that you are able to grasp the full measure of grace that God has for you.
Dee Yoder
02/11/08
Oh, how heart wrenching-for the parents and for you. God is faithful, and when you enter Heaven, you'll know all the whys of the mysteries surrounding this terrible ordeal. I think you learned a difficult lesson, early in your career, that made you an even better doctor after that event. Praying that peace can flow to you through sharing this tragedy. The gift of life rests finally in the hands of the Almighty.
Holly Westefeld
02/11/08
Emily, thank you for sharing this intensely personal, heart-wrenching story.
Thankfully, in Christ, forgiveness is immediate and complete, upon our sincere plea, which it sounds like you have made. Therefore, God's Word assures that any culpibility for this tragedy is removed as far as the east is from the west. With all of eternity to mingle, I'm sure the two of you will meet again.
Debbie Wistrom
02/11/08
All I can say is wow and i sure hope this places. I'm in awe. Thanks for the reality check.
Marita Vandertogt
02/11/08
Very intense - very heart wrenching. And very well written, though that seems such a minor comment considering the content.
Shelley Ledfors
02/12/08
Wow...what an intense piece. I echo what others have said here. Sometimes, even though we "know" God promises forgiveness when it is sought, it is difficult for that message to penetrate emotionally. Praying for peace for you.
Sara Harricharan
02/13/08
This piece gave me chills, it was so sad and somewhat dark, but ending showed some hope to go with it. It was kind of a helpless feeling to 'be there' and see what a little extra care could've done. your last line with the 'gratitude of the guility' is really good. Nice work. ^_^
Dianne Janak
02/13/08
This was such a courageous and yet refreshingly honest piece for you to write, and knowing it happened makes me realize just how easily we can get swept up in our own stuff and get out of focus. I agree with the others that you can accept God's grace to you after all this time. Thanks for sharing it with us. We were there with you... Dianne Janak
Karen Wilber
02/13/08
I see the words "heart-wrenching" over and over again. This does indeed grip the heart and squeeze as the reader begs for a different ending. I pray that writing this is a step toward healing by the Great Physician. God's grace is big enough for you, my friend.
Betty Castleberry
02/13/08
I'm incredibly sad. You evoked some real emotion in me with this piece. The descriptions of everything in the delivery room was very real, too. Well done.
Rita Garcia
02/13/08
Heartwrenching on so many levels! Well written!
Verna Cole Mitchell 
02/14/08
This is one of the saddest stories I've read at any of the challenges, but you do not need to be sad nor to feel guilt, because Jesus' blood covers every sin, and when our sin is placed on him, He carries all our guilt. We have only to ask His forgiveness. You have very strong writing skills.
Lyn Churchyard
02/14/08
This is such a sad story, but honest in its emotions and feelings of guilt. To share something like this takes courage. To share something like this takes writing skills. You have both in abundance. God bless you!