The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
01/31/08
Very good story. I like the suspense. Right on topic. Very good writing!
Laury
02/04/08
Very good story for the topic - this felt quite realistic. Nice job!
02/04/08
Very suspenseful - great opening to introduce where the MC is in her life. I'd make the second sentence read "had replaced" but don't know which is correct. :) The topic is evident, and I like a happy ending. Good job!
02/04/08
Whew, I'm glad I didn't read this two years ago when my "baby" moved to the big city! (She's fine).

My only red ink is the sudden appearance of the co-worker just in time to save the day. Maybe she should have been introduced earlier?

Good job with the building of suspense, and with character development.
02/04/08
Very nice job. The writing was good, the story was a bit predictable, but entertaining. I also thought the sudden appearance of the work friend was a little awkward. But, you held my interest, had me read the entire story and ministered your point very effectively.
God bless.
The story held my interest from the beginning and felt very realistic.
Great choice of topic development because this type of experience happens every day. I just wish the positive ending happened every day too. Thank you for letting her be rescued. You made the reader feel like we were right there. Great job!
I wish she had listened to her voice and enjoyed her time in the deli and booksote. You have plenty of material here for more. Keep it up!
Great story. Had me captivated, and glad she was rescued. This type of situation many times does not work out as happy for those who innocently abide where they should not abide.
Great story writing that is very realistic. I like how you set the stage early explaining how the MC was dressing different, the neon lights of the city, and then into a nightclub (the glittering part) and then into a dangerous situation (the not gold part). Good job. Loved it.
02/05/08
This story kept me intrigued from beginning to end. Nicely done.
02/06/08
I'm glad for the happy ending - you really kept me reading with this. Great job!
02/06/08
The glitter and glam of the city is a scam--excellent writing!
Well, I took the sudden appearance of the co-worker as a "God thing," and those are rarely foreshadowed. Thank you for the happy ending.
02/06/08
Oh! So glad that Angel found a friend that could help her in such a difficult situation. You certainly kept the pace of this going, so much action here. I'm glad that she was able to end the 'horrible' evening-ah, if we'd only really listen to that little voice! ^_^
Powerful, well-written piece. This line: "Yesterday it would have been illegal for her to be here; today it was a matter of conscience."
sums it up for me. If only we would listen more to that still, small voice within.
02/06/08
You really defined the character of Angelica well with the phrases you used - she scrutinized, stared, studied. I could feel how hesitant she was compared to the quick moving Brenda.
We always get in trouble when we ignore that inner voice, don't we? I like the suspense you built. Nicely done.
Good writing. You story is very well told. I could picture it all and was nervous for Angel. I'm gld she escaped.