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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 – Advanced)
Topic: Illustrate the meaning of “Don’t Try to Walk before You Can Crawl” (without using the actual phrase or literal example). (01/17/08)

TITLE: Veruka's Revenge
By Sara Harricharan
01/22/08


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Unsuspecting victims are my favorite. They never imagine for a moment that I will truly have my revenge.

They believe they can get away with giving me the menial tasks of a servant girl instead of the errands fitting an ambassador’s daughter.

It was my father’s idea for me to learn more about my special gift. Mama made it worse with her insistence.

Now I am stuck sweeping floors because I dared to use my position for better arrangements.

My teacher is a man that outdates this century. Master Drogan believes that every student is equal and that every action has either consequence or reward.

That is so old-fashioned.

All I did was state my opinion of that wretched girl in arithmetic and he retracted my gift and ordered me to clean out the holding room. He says I need to learn to control the little power I have along with my tongue.

No wonder it is called a holding room, even the air is stifling.

Smudged walls and dirty floors surround the perfect glass box to showcase The Orb.

It is the heart central of all energies for this school. This must be where Drogan put my gift.

Oh how I wish I had it.

Levitation is one of the most prized gifts on the planet of Marrin.

With my gift, I could easily set this broom to sweep the floor and these cloths to clean the walls.

I could also sit outside by the door and breathe the clean air without having to lift a finger.

My hands are sore, my feet and my back ache.

The Orb is so bright.

Horrible Master Drogan warned me to stay away from it. He says it is far too powerful and that even a lifetime of training couldn’t prepare any one person to control that much free energy.

I think he wants it all for his pompous self.

The broom and cloth rags are set aside as I tiptoe to the showcase.

Surely no one will notice if I just open the edge enough to retrieve my gift. My gift is so deeply embedded that all I’d have to do is touch the Orb. That would make the perfect revenge.

My fingers tremble as the cover slid away.

It is so beautiful.

A sudden wind takes my breath away.

Before I can begin to puzzle fresh air in this prison-hole, I am seized by something I cannot describe.

Every fiber of my being is transformed into the most torturous pain imaginable.

My mind struggles in vain to comprehend the fact that I have completely absorbed the entire Orb.

I cannot scream. I cannot cry. I cannot even discern my own gift.

The door bursts open. “Veruka!” Master Drogan forces me to sit on the floor.

I can hardly see his face.

He mutters words I cannot understand and the pain is lifted by a fraction.
He repeats them until I feel the fire fade.

I am helpless to escape the scolding that follows.

He now shares the energy and the responsibility.

“You will clean this room from top to bottom.” He says, calm. “Do not even think of resisting.” Golden energy shimmers at his finger tips.

My will is no longer my own.

Because of the shared energy, I am at his mercy.

Feet shuffle to the wall and my hands pick up the broom. I begin to sweep the floor with patience that is not mine.

Copyright 2008


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This article has been read 973 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 01/28/08
There's a lot of wonderful-ness here...the choppy pacing, the girl's voice, the alien-ness, even your interpretation of the proverb. I get it, and you did a super job with the writing.

The problem is, and maybe I've suggested this before, when you create a whole alternate world, you need many more than 750 words to show that world to your readers. So we're left not quite sure what's going on, even though it may be perfectly obvious to you, because it's your world. Did that make sense?

Your own gift is definitely not held captive--you're an astounding young writer.
LauraLee Shaw01/28/08
Wow, what a creative mind you have. Great writing!
Temple Miller01/30/08
Way to go stretching out of the proverbial box. I enjoyed the continued theme.
Loren T. Lowery01/30/08
The intensity of the piece was palatable and the intrigue as to what was happening had this reader keen and on edge. It will take a couple of reads to fully understand, but your use of words and mood setting is top notch.
Beth LaBuff 01/30/08
Wow! You are an excellent writer with this story. I was fascinated with the names you used for your characters. I wish I could read more.
Dee Yoder 01/30/08
As the others have commented, this is very creative. It's on topic and very visual. I also wish I could have some background about the setting and what led to this point in the story because I feel like I'm just missing that ONE piece of info to get me to see the whole picture. If you write whole books like this, wow-awesome!
Catrina Bradley 01/30/08
There are many things I don't understand, but there is no denying the talent in this writing. How would the gift of levitation allow her to control the broom and cloths? At the beginning, she was assigned a servant's tasks because she used her position position for better arrangements, yet later it was for stating her opinion about someone. Who does she want revenge on? Does she get it? And I'm stumped at the ending. But never the less, I enjoyed reading this mysterious story and pondering my questions. :)