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The bleak grey cloak of night finally ended when the sun came unbidden and unwanted to usher in a new day. Its dull first light peeked around the edges of drawn shades in the loud silence that hung in the next morning. Although emotionally all Life had stopped at 12:36 the previous night, the soft subtle light stubbornly persisted, with all its implications and expectations. Time moved on. Life went on. Or so the new day insisted. The digital clock at the bedside burned a faded red into the dim remaining darkness and ticked off another minute that had finally passed.
The air had been shattered with words, sounds given brief life, but they still lived in the echoes of memory in the eternity lasting between moment after interminable moment. A heavy numbness settled into the morning, almost palpable, tangible, filling the void of the emptiness left behind by the previous night’s portend.
The Future had been rent, torn asunder in one stunning verbal stroke. All the Tomorrows To Be had been shattered, and this new day was the first casualty in a long line to come. All that Was, and Is, and Is To Be slowly swirled into a surreal cacophony of memories jaded and hopes made destitute. And the words from the night echoed even still.
A movement. A slow deliberate shifting and its accompanying sound reluctantly responding to the dimming new day. The first breath in it heavy, a prolonged sigh laboring against the eternities that lay before it. A slight moan slipping out as the night’s events unfold in the mind and replay again and again and again, repeating without ceasing, without purpose.
The mundane trappings around, the walls, the furnishings, the decorations, even the slight scattered imperfections are intimately familiar but its context is strange in the absence that it betrays: the profound absence of one less breath, one less stirring, one less presence. And what remains in the stillness of the morning is a soul set utterly adrift, alone and rudderless. And all the potential Forevers reverberate with this same lonely resonance.
And so my first day of Despair begins…
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