Previous Challenge Entry (Level 3 - Advanced)
Topic: Write in the ROMANCE genre (04/19/07)
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TITLE: Excerpts from Chapters 1 and 41 | Previous Challenge Entry
By Ed VanDeMark
04/24/07 -
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Chapter 1
It was the bus ride home following the first day of school. Rachel and Sara sat in the third seat from the back. They were secretly discussing a romance novel they read together at the end of the summer. Meanwhile, four rows in front of the girls Brad and Rich were involved in an animated discussion about football. The girls had just completed their first day in seventh grade while the boys were seasoned veterans who had just entered eighth grade. All four kids lived in the same small development and had been playmates through their elementary school years.
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“I’m going to marry a Frenchman just like Pierre. He’s going to own horses and this really huge castle with a big vineyard. All the rich women will want his hand in marriage but he will only have eyes for me. How about you Sara?”
“My husband will come from a far away land where he has 40… no… 80 servants that wait on us and bring us everything we could ever want. His name will be Ramon and I’ll always be at his side as rules his Country. We will be the most famous couple in the entire world.”
Rachel responds “My husband will buy me diamonds and sapphires and the world’s biggest ruby.”
Sara continues “I’ll have my hair and my nails done twice a day…except on Saturday because we’ll play Polo every Saturday.”
“You better get started on those fingernails right now it’s going to take ten years to get them ready for Ramon. How did the get that grungy?”
“Oh that’s from playing football.”
“Why are you still playing football?”
“Football’s fun.”
“What’s so great about football? It sure does a job on your nails.”
“I like it when Ritchie tackles me, and I lay there until he helps me up.”
“You gotta stop that Sara; Ritchie isn’t in the plan you need to start working a being a real lady.”
“I will but right now I like him.”
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“Hey man have you noticed that Rachel and Sara are changing.”
With enthusiasm Rich says “You bet I have.”
“They don’t look like they use to.”
“Oh that, yeah I noticed that too.”
“You’re lying my friend. What were you goanna say?”
“It’s nothing.”
“Out with it buddy, you can tell me.”
“I was just goanna say that Sara use to be real hard to tackle but now she’s real easy. It’s like all of a sudden she became a girl or something.”
“That’s what I was saying you dummy, open your eyes.”
Chapter 41
Rich calls the babysitter before he leaves the office. Carol is a young unmarried graduate student.
“Carol are you available to sit with Suzanne and Ronnie on Friday…It’s our fifth anniversary.”
“How could I say no when a man’s about to treat his wife extra special? What time do you want me to get there?”
“I thought I’d surprise her by taking the whole afternoon off.”
“Sara’s going to love it; I’ll be there at 12:30 sharp.”
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Noon on Friday Rich walks thru the front door as opposed to his usual entry through the kitchen. He’s carrying a dozen red roses and a nicely wrapped present in the shape of a necklace case.
“Why are you home so early?”
“Don’t you remember, it’s our fifth anniversary?”
“I remembered, I’m just surprised that you did.”
“Go get a shower we’re going out.”
Shocked she heads to the upstairs bathroom.
“What am I supposed to wear?”
“I like that sexy red number that’s in your closet.”
“What are we going to do?”
“What’s with all the questions?”
“So what are we doing and what about the kids?”
We’re going dancing and Carol will be here in half an hour. Now get ready.”
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As Sara exits the bathroom she calls downstairs.
“Carol are you here?”
“Yep, I’m here.”
“Can you come up here for a minute?”
When Carol arrives Sara whispers. “It takes 41 chapters to turn a frog into a prince.”
Carol asks “Is it worth it?”
“You bet it is.”
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The first time the row of 8888's appeared, it threw me for a minute. I was trying to make them be something to do with the story. :o) I think I might have chosen asterisks instead.
I didn't get what the reference to chapter 41 meant until the end, which was a nice little surprise.
I felt bad that best friend Rachel disappeared from the story after chapter 1. It didn't make sense to me that Sara would confide this "chapter 41" insight at the end to her college-age babysitter. And that the babysitter would know exactly what she was referring to.
For me it would have been an even more satisfying conclusion if Sara had made a quick secret call to her old friend Rachel and told HER that chapter 41 line, as it would have been logical for Rachel to understand what she meant immediatly.
But, like I said at the beginning, I really DO like this story. Kudos to you!