They look to me for guidance, leading, care,
And trust me with their struggles and concerns.
Flock asks for counsel, comforting and prayer,
Approach me frequently so they may learn.
I stand uneasy on this pedestal,
And sense the weight, responsibility.
Iím always stressed, my plate is always full,
And yet admit thatís not what bothers me.
At times, feel so convicted when I preach
About the secret that I hold within.
Iím struggling to live the truths I teach
And feel weighed down by my besetting sin.
Convey I fall, that I am just like them,
Can tell they see it as humility.
That isnít it, for they donít see me when
The conflict, turbulence erupts from me.
Although I say my family comes first,
Iím in their presence when I break, I snap.
My wife and kids receiving all the worstÖ
Fall victim to a shove, a kick, a slap.
Afraid that theyíll expose our secret life,
And yet the treatment that they get from me,
My children donít deserve, nor does my wife.
This isnít how their lives were meant to be.
I promise not to lose control again
And when it seems that Iíve earned back their trust,
Soul boils, pressure rises up within,
And theyíre recipients of temperís thrust.
Their fearful looks burn deep into my mind,
My guilt seems sometimes more than I can bear.
All know me here, makes treatment hard to find.
To those I love, incredibly unfair.
Community would be in shock, I knowÖ
Our churchís testimony would be marred.
To all, this news would come as such a blow.
I want to do whatís right, itís just so hard.
Parishioners are easy to deceive,
And would be devastated if they knew.
Afraid that it would shake what they believe.
I need some help, but donít know what to do.
So many times Iíve almost given in,
Convicted by the Holy Spiritís voice
That I confess to elders, secret sin,
But still, Iíve not obeyed and made that choice.
God loves me, wants the best for evíryone.
Sees all, from Him I know I cannot hide.
Itís time to talk, for something must be done
To heal the pain, the rage, that reigns inside.
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