The Official Writing Challenge
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Good story. The ending seemed to be missing some emotional intensity, but I like the casual beginning. Good point, too! :-)
11/20/06
This is skillful writing, and you captured the family dynamics perfectly. I'd have liked to see a bit more irony or conflict, perhaps. You did a great job with the setting--sounds, smells, sights...very nice.
11/20/06
I agree. I liked the details of the cone dripping and mom dozing. Some more details like that at the climax would be nice.
11/20/06
I just love all the detail throughout this piece. You did a great job of setting the scene. A little more drama at the end would have made this wonderful piece even better!
11/20/06
The dialogue between the family members is realistic and helps set the mood of the story. What I liked most about this story was the fact that Jeremy did not want to be there, and yet had he not been there the outcome could have ended in tragedy.
11/21/06
I agree that there should have been a bit more of an emotional "punch" at the end, but that can be hard in the word count. I liked the somewhat hidden message and turn in his attitude.
11/22/06
Several boo-boo's with the "S's" - but otherwise an entertaining read.
11/22/06
Good story. You carried me through so I wanted to read it til the end. I enjoyed it. Thanks for sharing.
11/22/06
Like everyone else says, this was entertaining in that most readers could identify with what was going on in the intro. I'm trying to think of how this could pack the punch others say it needs, and I think it has to do with the amount of time you spent describibig Jeremy's attitude, when the story was really about his life-saving abilities.With that, I'd suggest scrapping most of the first bunch of paragraphs, only keeping the gems, and then focusing more on the drowning part. That way you'd have a lot of room at the end to show how Jeremey responds to the lifeguard's praise.