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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: OPEN UP A CAN OF WORMS (08/22/19)
There once was a warrior-lion named faith. In fact, he was king and ruler of heaven. Also he was meek and was permanently adorned with a crown that sat on top of his mane and all of heaven rejoiced and praised him. There was another realm below heaven named earth and another unspeakable realm below that one called hellfire. Faith had an enemy who was king of earth named diablo. Diablo constantly seeked to overtake faith's kingship even though diablo was kicked out of heaven. Now faith was the most magical being in the known universe. He was the warrior, protector, and lion of Judah in heaven. All the angels were a part of faith's army and they served him valiantly. Some of these angels were so beautiful and marvelous that if you were to see them you would be completely awe-stricken and consumed with their beauty. However, faith was even more beautiful than they as he was the definition of beauty, grace and might. Faith and his angels had many missions throughout the realms of heaven and throughout the universe, as his angels went to war alongside him at his command. Everywhere they went in their heavenly calvary it was as if thunder had followed them and flames of white beauty always adorned the presence of faith and his angels.They always completed their missions with success as faith and his legions were so effective against the kingdoms of darkness. The loving power of faith was unimaginable.

Faith was in love with the people of earth however diablo had enslaved many of them. Faith was so in love with these people that he considered his relationship with them his greatest romance in the universe; in heaven, and below. Each of these people if they called on faith and invited him into their hearts obtained all the magical noble qualities of faith that were unique to faith alone in heaven. Each of them possessed faith’s special qualities within themselves more than they knew but they had a hard time understanding how much of his qualities they truly had access to. This was because they were in another realm. In heaven faith's qualities flourished and shone like the brightest star but on earth the perceptions of faiths qualities were more subtle. Those with good character, had good moral standing, and who feared the Lord shone with the qualities of faith on earth. Faith had a new mission…It was a mission that had been known to HAVE to occur since the dawn of time however no one not even faith knew when the mission would be executed; only God the father. Well at once the father finally issued a decree to all of heaven that faith and his angels and saints would now go behind enemy lines and rescue the believers of faith on earth and bring them back to heaven. Here in heaven, those who believed in faith would have glorified bodies and reign with him.

Faith acted brave and noble as could be. He fearlessly gathered all his angels (trillions upon trillions of them) all within their ranks and they set out to earth. As they flew to earth diablo was waiting for them with his demons. There were strongholds all along the entrance to the realm of earth but faith shouted with the voice of an archangel and shattered every stronghold. Every demon was immediately slain. Normally in battles the demons would be able to fight back against faiths angels, but this time as faith was with them he unleashed his true power. His countenance was so wonderful and bright that all of the heavens and earth marvelled at his power. Believe me, diablo was terrified for he knew his end was upon him. As this war broke out all the realms opened up and became visible to all the inhabitants of heaven and people on earth. When the people on earth saw how powerful and just faith was it empowered them and they all got on their knees and prayed. Some people prayed for faith's success while others gave thanks that such a powerful warrior of complete justice was fighting on their side. All their prayers would soon be answered. Faith threw diablo and diablo's son and the false prophet into hellfire. He truly opened up a can of worms on sin and on diablo as one might say. All of heaven celebrated and rejoiced with those he saved and new earth was finally opened.
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This article has been read 279 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Barbara Culler 
08/29/19
This kind of reminds of the Chronicles of Narnia stories. Remember to capitalize your names, You sure do have a vivid imagination.
Arlene Baker
08/29/19
Take time to correct your grammar, punctuation, capitalization, etc. Also, a very common error is to use CAL-vary instead of CAV-alry. The piece is quite vivid and has a lot of potential. Showing the "can of worms theme" would give it more punch rather than stating it. Keep scribbling!
Allison Egley 
09/02/19
This is a really creative approach.

In addition to the other suggestions in the comments, I'd strongly suggest making your paragraphs shorter. It makes it easier to read. One easy way to achieve this is to add dialogue, because then you just make a new paragraph when ever there's a new speaker. Look at some entries in Masters to see examples of this, and to see examples of shorter paragraphs, even without dialogue.

You have a lot of potential with this type of entry, I think. Keep working on it.
Marlene Custer 
09/03/19
I agree with the above comments. You create a great picture, but I think it needs tightened up. I also thought the ‘can of worms’ statement seemed out of place. It was implied in the story.
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
09/05/19
This is a great story with a lot of potential. You did a fine job of showing the topic throughout the piece.

Tightening it up, adding some dialog, and showing instead of telling could make it pop even more. For example, I might suggest an edit like this: Diablo, the King of Earth sneered at his mortal enemy Faith, the warrior-lion of Heaven. "I'm going to take you down! Soon everyone will bow to me alone."
Faith, a meek, magic being, and protector of the universe ignored the taunts from Diablo. Instead, he focused on the three realms: Heaven, Earth, and Hellfire. A magnificent crown adorned his head and would stay atop of his glorious mane for eternity.

Sometimes it's easier to understand if you can see an example. I tried to stay true to your voice, yet still start out with a conflict that will pull the reader in. You could take that first paragraph and cut it down a lot and then sprinkle parts of it throughout the rest of the story. Try to use active sentences instead of passive ones. You have a great message here. I hope you won't be discouraged and will continue to enter the challenge. You have a great way of telling about Jesus and his love.