Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: CHILDHOOD (03/09/17)
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TITLE: Thy Neighbor | Previous Challenge Entry
By Katy Foster
03/13/17 -
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In frantic concern, her neighbor races outside to find Mrs. Holloway.
“Evelyn!” Mrs. Holloway thunders, “What was in that smoothie! Witchcraft? Do you have any idea how humiliated I am!”
Surprised and bewildered, Evelyn calmly explains, “I told you. It will make you young at heart. And, so, I take it the smoothie… worked? Why are you so flustered?”
“What?” Mrs. Holloway looks stunned, “Young at heart? Yes, as in health-wise! Not young at heart as in a childish idiot!” Mrs. Holloway retorts, prepared to stand her ground.
Behind Evelyn’s concern hides amusement. “I’m sure you weren’t a childish idiot. Perhaps you’re just a little shocked at how well the smoothie worked. I suppose I should have prepared you better for the effects. I’m truly sorry. But Mrs. Holloway, when I told you that the smoothie would make you young at heart, I meant soul-wise, not health-wise.”
In confusion, Mrs. Holloway asks, “Why would I need a soul like a child?”
“Well, if you can recall this morning,” Evelyn explains, “you were really stressed, constrained on time, and arguing with your children. You told me you were angry with life, Mrs. Holloway. You seemed a bit cynical toward me, and cross, to be honest.”
“So, you poisoned me?” Mrs. Holloway hissed.
“I just wanted you to see in a new light. Again, I’m sorry,” Evelyn shared in penitence.
Sparked with curiosity, Evelyn queries, “What happened, if you don’t mind me asking?”
Mrs. Holloway glares at Evelyn before replying, “Unfortunately, your potion didn’t take away my memory, so I remember everything.”
She then prepares the story with a deep sigh, “I remember giving the preacher’s wife a bear hug and shaking her; I remember smiling at the ladies with an orange peel in my mouth; I remember breaking out in songs to Jesus, all by myself; I remember crying loudly because I lost my shoes; I remember a lady asking me if I was drunk. I answered her with, ‘Ewww, that’s gross!’’
Mrs. Holloway even threw her voice to sound like a child. She looked at Evelyn with a softer face now, almost a smile.
“It seems the smoothie effects have worn off. They usually last until one sleeps,” Evelyn considers.
“Well, that makes sense. I woke up from Mrs. Littleton’s shoulder sitting next to me. I sat up, horrified as eyes stared at me. I wiped the drool from my face, apologized, and quickly got out of there, completely embarrassed!” Mrs. Holloway’s frustration returned to her face.
“Evelyn, I don’t feel young at heart. I feel heavy at heart,” in defeat, Mrs. Holloway drops her weary eyes.
“Wait a minute, Mrs. Holloway, think harder. What else happened? Anything good? Maybe a happy moment?”
Mrs. Holloway pondered for a moment, and then clarity came over her face. “I remember some friends joined in with me when I wailed out in song, and I remember thinking how worshipful the moment in song felt. Come to think of it, I also remember feeling so comfortable and peaceful hearing the speaker read the Bible. I think the reassuring words transformed me into a lull, and my head rested on the nearest shoulder. I remember noticing that Mrs. Littleton didn’t move, but let me rest on her shoulder.”
“Oh, Mrs. Holloway!” Evelyn grabs her hand.
“I also remember that when I left the room in horror, Mrs. Nowland met me outside the door and hugged me and told me she loved me. I was so upset, though, that I pulled away and stomped to my car.”
“This is amazing! Don’t you see? You observed these things while young at heart, didn’t you? You observed friendship, love, worship. You observed and rested in God. However, upon waking back into your normal adult life, the goodness was quickly forgotten. What’s happened, Mrs. Holloway?”
Acceptance of her struggling life overwhelmed Mrs. Holloway to tears.
“I feel I shouldn’t need a smoothie to remember the good,” Mrs. Holloway softly replies.
A few days later, Mrs. Holloway receives a letter:
“Dear Mrs. Holloway,
Thank you for your loving spirit at the banquet. It was so refreshing! However, I think you left in my shoes…”
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My main red ink would be if you use taglines stick to traditional ones instead of she thunders or hisses. It is quite difficult to speak while doing these things. Instead show what thunders looks like: Mrs. Hollaway's vein in her neck pulsated."Evelyn!"
The other thing to be aware is the first paragraph is in past tense, but could easily be fixed to match the present you did in the rest.
Writing in the present tense is quite difficult, but overall, you managed well. I thought your take on topic was quite brilliant. I loved the many conflicts and the ending was divine. This is one of my favorites thud far this week. Great job.
Great job.