Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: COMPUTER (05/19/16)
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TITLE: Forgetting Who We Are | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kate Warren
05/22/16 -
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What is going on?” she thought to herself. “I came in here this morning to check my e-mail and my Facebook…” wait, no there was something missing. She picked her way through the clutter and into the living room, it, too, was a mess. Jack was sitting in his chair as always, watching the news.
“Jack?” she started, staring with confusion and horror at the living room.
“Decided to come up for air and join the rest of the world, huh?” Jack smiled sadly at his bedraggled wife. “Looks like you need a little R&R sweetie.”
“Jack,” Cheryl looked confused, “Jack, what day is it?”
Jack blinked at her in surprise. “Love, the date is right there on the computer. You mean you don’t know how long you have been in there?”
“I … I … can’t remember. What did I do?” Cheryl began to cry.
“Cheryl, we need to check your history and see what you have been doing for the last three days, see what you remember, …” he put his arm around her and squeezed lightly, and began to joke “… and if you sold the Neiman Marcus gazpacho recipe to the Chinese.”
“OOOOOO! That is a capital offense for sure. They’ll throw you in prison!” Cheryl looked around conspiratorially.
“No, my love, You wouldn’t be in the jail,” he paused, “you’d be under it!” Jack reminded her continuing in the conspiracy.
Cheryl’s first real smile sprang forth, along with her musical giggle. They were joyous and contagious. Here was the Cheryl he loved.
They began to explore her computer and found visits included to Facebook, the President, congressmen, shopping sites, questionable news sites, and those of strangers. Cheryl did not remember visiting most of the sites and was shocked at the number of multiple visits to some.
They checked her e-mail box and Jack pulled up the sent mail. What they both read was frightening.
“I am a Christian woman, I attend church, Bible study, help with the nursery, I could not have written these vile letters! I don’t talk like that or think like that; I, I,” Cheryl was badly shaken. She knew it had to be her, but she had no memory of doing it.
“I remember getting really angry, but I would never…” a look of horror crossed her face, she bowed her head. She whispered, “But I did, didn’t I?”
Jack took her hand. “Baby, the chaos, the hatred in the world have sucked you in; you even skipped last week’s Bible study because you were on the computer. Cheryl, you have forgotten who you are.”
Cheryl buried her head in Jack’s chest, sobbing anew. “You are right, Jack, I felt the Holy Spirit warning me, but I ignored it. I forgot Jesus’s words; I followed my warped ideas.”
“You’re doing just fine! Now tell Him!” Jack encouraged.
Cheryl raised her tear stained eyes to him mouthed a quiet “Thank You” and began. She prayed for quite a while as the Holy Spirit prompted her to remember what had led her to the sinful situation she found herself. God knew it all, but He wanted Cheryl to see how the evil started slowly, seemingly innocently. She admitted her sin, recommitted to Him, and in her own time, said “Amen.”
When she raised her face to Jack again, she was the beautiful Christ-led woman he married.
“All better, sweets?” Jack asked.
“Better than that! I am healed and wiser, forgiven and stronger!” Cheryl gave Jack one of those dazzling smiles he loved so much.
“Then off you go, wash all that forgetfulness off and bring me my beautiful wife!”
There were still things to be addressed, but he suspected that God was already working on them and said a quick prayer for guidance and forgiveness.
Author’s Comment: Computers can be a blessing, but it is easy to lose our way. This happened to me and I was sucked into an ugly world of lies, hatred, and innuendo. I forgot who I was. Remain in the Word, stay away from worldly things. Use the computer as Jesus would and stay true to Him.
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My biggest suggestion would be to really get into your MC's skin. For example some of the dialog feels a bit stilted. I might suggest an edit like this: Cheryl buried her head in Jack’s chest, sobbing. “You're right, Jack, The Holy Spirit warned me, but I ignored it. Instead of listening to Jesus, I allowed my warped ideas to control me."
And
“Oooohhhh! That's a capital offense for sure. They'll throw me in prison for that!"
(I basically changed some words into contractions to make it sound more natural and tightened it up some.)
By putting the MC's thoughts in italics it also helps it stand out more. For example: She caught a hint of her reflection in the monitor. Good grief, when was the last time I combed my hair? She sniffed her armpits, wrinkling her nose in disgust. Pee-yew! When did I shower last?
Those are tiny things (body language, dialog, and internal dialog) that help paint a picture for the reader. The more you listen to others speak, you'll get a feel of how to translate it into your writing. I've even heard of people recording conversations and listening to it to pick up subtle nuances in dialog.
You definitely nailed, not only the topic, but a problem that many Christians are discovering in today's world. You have a nice subtle sense of humor too. Your message was clear, and I enjoyed your story.
Blessings~
I am at fault as well and try to set time limits or take days away from social media.
Blessings as you continue to write.
Excellent message.I agree with Shann about the emotional connection between the MC and the reader, however.