Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Anger (01/24/05)
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TITLE: Book Learnin' | Previous Challenge Entry
By Kelly Klepfer
01/27/05 -
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“The book that Grandpa gave you, I need it back, I want to give it to your uncle.” I mumbled something about looking for it and getting back to her. Grief washed over me. I sobbed.
I wept again when my husband came home and I told him about Grandma’s request. His face hardened. “Your grandpa gave that book to you. That’s your book. Don’t give it back.”
“I have to.”
“It’s your book. Grandma wasn’t there when he gave it to you. I was. It’s your book.”
“It’s ruined for me now. I’ll never be able to look at it again without feeling mean or sad.” The memory of my grandpa giving me the book his brother wrote filled my eyes again.
“Have you told your mom?”
“No. I need to sort through my feelings first. I don’t want to add any of my raw feelings to her emotional bonfire.”
My husband hugged me. My eyes dried. I went to my bookcase and retrieved the book. I hadn’t looked at it for years and it was dusty. I opened to the photograph of the author, my great-uncle, the banker. He looked so much like Grandpa that I teared up again. A book of banking how-to written in the late 50’s, was not exactly a treasure trove of information for my uncle, who presided over a bank half a century later.
My memories of the physical proof of my Grandpa’s delight over my desire to write lay in my hands, drab, gray and lifeless. The words in the book meant nothing to me, the information was passé. It was a treasure of the heart and now I could never look at the book again without a twinge of pain.
My prayers that night were words of wrestling and debate. How did a simple 8” x 6” object dredge up such intense feelings in me? I knew from the moment she asked for it, that the book was no longer mine. However, the choice to act with grace and generosity did belong to me.
I delivered the book to my grandma. For Christmas, my uncle sent me a photocopied version of the book, beautifully wrapped. I gave God, for Christmas that year, my feelings of anger, grief, sadness and unforgiveness, and God gave me peace.
I was wrong about what I could learn from a 50 year old book, it had a lesson much deeper than the words on the page.
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And God's grace, like the treasured memory of the book's meaning to your heart, can't be taken away.