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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Write something in the YOUNG ADULT or TEEN genre (06/07/07)
A young girl walked along the side of the broken road wearing nothing but a torn shirt. As she walked along the road with her long, messy red hair dangling over her shoulders she kicked a stone.

“Ouch!” She shrieked as she grabbed her foot and hopped on the other. She sat down in the wet grass on the side of the road and stared out towards the setting sun. The sky was beautiful with hues of orange and pink mixing in together to the deep orange sun quickly fading away to another world. The young girl lay back on her elbows and stared out until the sun disappeared and she was surrounded by darkness. She saw the bright stars in the sky and wished she could find her way home, she wished she had never ran away, but more importantly…she wished her dad had never beaten her. Her thoughts from that night consumed her...

The young girl knew that something was going to happen that night, she didn’t know what but she knew. It started out as a cold and dark night before her father had even stepped through the door. The night gave her a chill up her spine and her hair almost stood on end. Suddenly, she heard a loud crack like someone had spit a piece of wood, and their house went dark. She stood staring at the window and suddenly she was being pushed by someone with a candle.

“Go in your room with your sister and stay there until dinner.” Her mother commanded her. She took the flickering candle from her mother and grabbed her sister’s hand as tightly as she could, and quietly they walked to the back of the house. They went into their bedroom and sat on the floor in the farthest corner from the door. If something was to come through that door, she wanted to see what it was before it saw her. She set the candle down and watched as it flickered in the dark. She sat and held her sister as she slept, all she could see was the moving light and her sister’s light colored hair against her shoulder when she heard a loud slam like someone had thrown something against the wall. Her sister stirred in her sleep and woke up, she held on to her for dear life as they both stared in the direction of the door. Suddenly, it flung open and she could see a scrunched up, teeth bearing, man coming towards her. She screamed at her sister

“Go! Get out of here, go find mom!” The man came towards her and picked her up by her shirt and tore it. He screamed profane words at her and slammed her against the wall, when he did she heard the window shake and shutter. She fell to the ground like a wounded bird and laid in a big ball of nothing. The man screamed at her to get up, but she wouldn’t, she just screamed back, “Go Away! Leave us alone!” He just stood there with a dumbfounded look on his face and then it turned mean and ugly again. He started kicking her and punching her until he saw a crimson colored puddle surrounding her head. He finally stopped and stared at her limp, lifeless body. He started to cry when he stared at his precious daughter and realized what he had done. She blinked at him and managed to bring words to her lips but they wouldn’t come. Finally, when she mustered up the strength she put her cold hand in his and whispered

“You could’ve just said I love you. That’s all I ever wanted for my birthday dad.” He stared at her and tried to blink away his tears but he couldn’t, they just kept falling like a never ending waterfall. He choked on his words and he leaned over and kissed his teenage daughter on the forehead

“I love you Sophia.”

Sophia was snapped back to reality when she remembered those words.

He said he loved me, why couldn’t I remember it until now? She got up and without looking back she ran towards home, Thanking God for what he had done to her father. He had changed him and made him realize what kind of monster he was. But Sophia knew her father needed help, and that with the help and love of her and her family, they could give it to him.
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Jacquelyn Horne
06/14/07
This is a very troubling article. To me, safety first, compassion later. I don't understand why she could not find her way home and then, all of a sudden was running towards home. This needs a little clarification. But this piece is very deep and really needs to be told.
Joanne Sher 
06/15/07
Very frightening, and you certainly captured that. I was very anxious throughout.
Jeanette Oestermyer
06/17/07
This article left me with many questions, such as what evoked the father to beat his daughter in the first place? Did he actually change right there before the daughter's eyes after beating her? It is a story of an all-to occuring event.
Jan Ackerson
06/18/07
This is definitely worth revising for clarity...teens can certainly relate to the issue of domestic violence.

I was concerned about her clothing in the beginning. Was she really wearing "nothing but a torn shirt?"

Definitely edit and expand.
Catrina Bradley
06/18/07
A story I'm sure many teens can relate to. The emotions came through in your writing wonderfully. I'm glad she found her way home again. :)
Kristen Hester
06/19/07
What an emotional story. Wow! I also was wondering if she was only wearing a torn shirt. Your writing creates some strong feelings, which is good. Keep writing.
Victoria Weathers
06/19/07
The wording is very powerful but the story line was a little confusing.

I assume the story begins after the beating and then she flashes back to what actually let her to the place where she is walking around in a torn shirt.

This is a good story line that will speak to many teens but I agree with previous comments that clarification will be needed...and more elaboration on the dad's transformation. Some narrative of what is going on in his heart and mind.
Brenda Buikema
06/20/07
Sure wish you had more than 750 words to write this peice. It is a stORYy which needs to be told and I am positive it hit home with many readers. God's blessing is in this writing.