Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Fulfillment (04/06/06)
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TITLE: Pillow Talk | Previous Challenge Entry
By Christopher Randolph
04/06/06 -
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“Did you hear Jeremiah reading tonight?” Denise asked me.
I rolled over to face her. “Yea,” I answered, “That’s so cool. There’s no way I could do that when I was in kindergarten.”
“He’s a smart little boy, that’s for sure,” Denise replied as she fluffed her pillow.
“He counts to a hundred, too,” I said.
“I know.”
“By fives!”
“And twos.”
“He’s a smart little boy.”
“That’s for sure.”
I reached over to my nightstand and turned up my side of the electric blanket. “Do you have the window open, Hon?”
“It’s just cracked a bit, Babe. Why? Are you cold?”
“I’m okay. Timothy said a complete sentence today during dinner," I said.
“He did?”
“Yep.”
“What did he say?”
“I want more.”
“That’s funny.”
“Yea, that would be his first sentence, wouldn’t it?” I placed a hand on my wife’s hip. She gently scratched the tip of my nose.
“He’s a special little boy, too,” she whispered.
“They’ve got a special mommy,” I replied.
“And a special daddy.” She kissed the tip of my nose.
“I’m gonna sneeze if you keep doing that.”
Denise chuckled and pulled on my ear lobe. “Sorry.”
“No you’re not,” I retorted and kissed her gently on her lips.
“No, I’m not,” she said and kissed me back.
“Ooowf oowf,” came a noise from down stairs.
“You better go see what’s wrong with Bandit,” Denise said to me.
“He’ll be okay,” I said as I reached to embrace her.
“He’ll wake the baby,” she said, giving me a little push.
“Yea, yea,” I answered as I rolled out of bed, “stupid dog.”
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When you write a piece with so much dialog, the words like "said," "replied,", etc., get glossed over, and they really don't add much to your piece. Consider the following minor revision of your last 4 lines:
“You better go see what’s wrong with Bandit.” Denise heaved a big sigh.
I reached to embrace her. “He’ll be okay,”
“He’ll wake the baby!” She gave me a little push.
"Yeh, yeh." I rolled out of bed and shoved my feet in my slippers. “Stupid dog.”
It's a minor change, but you can add more sparkle and action when you get rid of the "saids." And you're definitely an author whose writing shows tremendous promise.