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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Vines (11/21/05)

TITLE: A View From the Recliner:“Another Vine Mess”
By Kenny Blade


A View From the Recliner

“Another Vine Mess”

You know, one of the most unique things about living in the South is dealing with Kudzu. Let’s put aside the fact that it seems to have no specific purpose on earth save the occasional clamping down of a yard tool left at the edge of the woods by one of my offspring. You know you’ve been there too. You wonder all through the winter what happened to your favorite rake that has the electrical tape on the handle so you don’t pick up splinters using it. Then upon the inaugural mowing of the grass each spring, you hit something that curls your blade like a bread tie and sets you back more than the mower originally cost to repair it. And there you have it: Your favorite rake. Only now it proficiently rakes corners and not much else thanks to it’s being discreetly hidden by mounds of unruly Kudzu.

I heard once that Kudzu was brought over here from the Orient to slow the effects of erosion on embankments and such. I can only assume that this transaction resembled the purchase of Manhattan from the Native Americans. “Oh yes, you will find Kudzu very helpful, not to mention beautiful, Mr. and Mrs. America. We hate to let our secret out, but in the interest of good relations, we will happily share the bounty of our Kudzu with your great nation!” It should be noted that we apologized for the whole winning the war thing. Couldn’t you have gotten by with sticking us with the Bonsai.? Sure, we’d have had some pitiful tree houses growing up, but at least we could find broken down cars and the garage and such among those tiny trees.

I saw on T.V. where this guy is trying to convert Kudzu to fuel for cars. God bless him. If he pulls it off, we may never have to be nice to a foreign country who hates us again. Not that we shouldn’t love the people who loathe us, but it would sure be nice to know we could take care of ourselves without the assistance of folks who refer to us as “The Great Satan” It would be a little odd finding Greenpeace activists matted in the South Georgia hillsides, but that’s a small price to pay to know that we had an unlimited source of petroleum. In the end, I really don’t think it would work. Consider the fact that you can’t find an oil well in everyone’s back yard. Kudzu is a different story altogether. Once the profits started rolling in, you’d have Kudzu petroleum bootleggers dotting the entire Southeastern landscape. Somehow, “Sour mash… now with Techron” doesn’t have much of a ring to it.

As much of a nuisance as those green, leafy vines are, you have to give Kudzu some credit. It comes back no matter how hard we try to get rid of it. It does what it came here to do no matter how much we hate it. It’s only purpose is to stop the erosion and bring a firm foundation to wherever it’s planted. Once it does that, it sets it’s mind to doing the same wherever it travels. You know, I don’t guess there’s anything God can’t teach through. See you in the tall weeds. I’ll be the one with the V shaped rake.

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This article has been read 911 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Jan Ackerson 11/28/05
Written with great wit and an authentic voice. Bravo!
Anita Neuman11/28/05
Funny, funny stuff! (Your writing, I mean...not the kudzu.)

Watch your use of "it's" vs. "its".
terri tiffany11/28/05
Great style! I live in the south and now I know what that stuff is!:)
Marilyn Schnepp 11/28/05
I live in the South so I know EXACTLY what you're talking about! Once it gets a foothold...it covers everything - and I DO MEAN everything! Our weekly TV guide in our local paper is even called KUDZU. This piece is written brilliantly, humorously, honestly and it's one of the best I've read so far today! Loved it!
Brandi Roberts11/29/05
Very funny stuff here! I enjoyed this! Kudzu....who'da thunkit?
Phyllis Inniss11/30/05
I never heard of kudzu before. Now I know what it means and thanks for a well-written article and a humorous one too.
Garnet Miller 12/01/05
*clap,clap,clap* I loved this. It's so funny! But, you do have a point. Kudzu fulfills its purpose on this earth and does not stray from it. Can we as Christians say the same?
Val Clark12/02/05
Very witty with a subtle message.Title adds to the layering. Like the way you mostly talk of the vines impact on your life.
Debbie OConnor12/03/05
Great work. This was funny, confident and polished. I love it!
Sandra Petersen 12/05/05
I'm sure Laurel and Hardy would laugh!
P. 1 was an excellent statement on the nature of yougsters and anything Mom and Dad uses! I could picture the branch pruners, the garden trowel, etc. under the winter snow in our own case. We don't have Kudzu to hide them, though!
One problem with bonsai trees is that the bonsai require pruning to retain their shape and size, so, sorry, that isn't an answer either!
I didn't understand the comment about the Greenpeace activists 'matted' in the Georgia hillside. Maybe kudzu, like old fast food restaurant frying oil, can find a greater purpose. Those last two lines were really funny and an excellent conclusion. I enjoyed this!