The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
02/28/14
This story was so well written and delivered, I was concerned that it might have been true. I was relieved to see it was fiction, however...there are probably so many "melons" out there this very moment.

Great message in this well crafted tale.

God bless~
02/28/14
I also am so glad this is fiction. I know these stories are true to life, but I'm glad you didn't have to write it from that perspective. This a moving story, for sure. Almost immediately I felt a kinship with Melon. Good angle on the topic.
03/01/14
Wow, such a moving story. I loved it. The ending was so sad, yet touching. Very well done.
03/01/14
I too was glad it was fiction. I was worried there for a second!
03/04/14
I truly enjoyed this excellent story. I think we all have come across a "Melon"-like person at some point in our lives. They shine as beacons of hope that there is a better way. A way of love and understanding. Bullying in schools is such a hot-button topic right now. And I think you chose some great subject material.

The only suggestion I have would be to paint the scenes a little more clearly for the reader. Make us feel like we are there, seeing what your characters see, smelling what they smell and hearing what they hear. Did the lockers in the hallway clang as students slammed them shut? What did the students eyes look like as Melon spoke? What was their body language saying? etc.

You have a wonderful gift for stories and I know you are going to go far. Keep up the great work!
03/05/14
This is such a beautiful story! It carried me along and left me with the desire to live a life as focused on others as Melon.

I just have a note about semicolons. They are mostly used to join two sentences that are closely related. I'll give an example using this sentence from your story: "She desired to be a kind person; to help others." You could add onto the second clause to make it independent: "She desired to be a kind person; she longed to help others."

You did a great job of packing a powerful lesson into a beautiful story. I thoroughly enjoyed it, and I look forward to reading more of your writing.
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