The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
02/22/13
50 years of marriage is a wonderful thing -- especially these days, as you point out. It is great to read the details of the beginning of that lasting relationship. Perhaps the ending would be more effective if you stayed in the third person and just related the longevity and gave a challenge instead of going into the first person.
A "Catchy" title and interesting family history. Definitely a fun read. I agree with the previous comment about the ending needing a little rework to keep from interrupting the flow of your story. All said, great job.
I love this!
02/24/13
Good job with this entertaining and well written piece. I truly enjoyed it from start to finish. Thank you. God bless~
I was drawn in immediately by the awesome characters and descriptions. It was obvious that love was brewing.

I think sometimes in the challenge, it can be tempting to make a story fit the topic. I know I did it quite a bit in the beginning, but it can feel forced.

Your story in the beginning was great, but not on topic. Perhaps you'd want to consider expanding it to a novel, so you do justice with the rest of their story. I wanted to know about how they got through the substance abuse and other troubles, but of course there wouldn't be enough words to do all of that.

The fact that the MC was stacking canned sardines, it would have been possible to somehow use the key in the can to make it on topic. Maybe a key could have fallen off the canned sardines and the MC could have somehow connected it with his love. I know if this is based on a true story, that it's harder to fictionalize parts of it, but often that makes the best stories. I'm not saying your way was wrong, just giving you an idea for another way to work out the ending.

I did really enjoy it. I loved how she climbed up the roof. I was half expecting the guy to step in and so loved that he didn't. It's obvious that both characters have a lot of spunk and I truly enjoyed this romantic tale, which says a lot because romance isn't my favorite genre. overall, I think you did a grand job and I'm eager to read more of these inspirational characters.
I loved the "story" part of your story. But when you got to the end was when it weakened for me. I would have liked to see the story end with the words "eternal union." That would have struck a strong chord and letting the 50 years that they had together convey the message that their marriage was an unusual treasure worth striving for. In other words, you didn't really need to say what you already had so beautifully pictured. Also, it would have been a stronger piece as well if key could have been more of an integral part of the piece or at least mentioned somewhere besides the very end as Shann mentioned with the sardine can. Yet I always love true stories and this one was a gem, what a great generational story you have to tell! Blessings...