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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 2 – Intermediate)
Topic: Clothes (11/02/12)
Two officers shined their flashlight on a man under a bridge in a sleeping bag.

"Hey sir, get up you can’t sleep here."

The guy turned on his back and squinted as the officer shined the light into his eyes. He got up and rolled up his sleeping bag and walked toward the police car.

As the approached the car the officer opened the door. “Sir, have a seat.”
"Where are you taking me?"

The officer chuckled. "We're going to clean up this town and get rid of all the homeless dirt bags like you."

The officer’s face tightened up. "Get in the car, now!" The officers forced the man into the back seat.

"Where are you taking me?" The homeless man sat down.

The officers got in and sped off. "You say one more word we’ll stop this car and blow your head off.”

An hour later on the road, next to a farm they stopped the police car. The officer opened the back door. "Get out!"

The homeless man got out of the car.

"Take off your coat!"

"Why, it's cold out here."

The officer hit the man with his nightstick in the back.

The homeless mans face turned white as he bent over on his knees. "A..aaaaaaaah."

The officer waved his nightstick in the air. "Take your coat off."

The man took off his coat and threw it on the ground.

A vein bulged on the officer's forehead. "Now take off your shirt."

The homeless man was shaking as he stood up. "Officer, its 20 degrees below zero I'll be half naked."

"Do as I tell you. Take off your shirt!"

The man‘s jaw tightened. "No!"

The officers forced the man down onto the ground where they ripped the shirt off of him. They took his cloths and put them in the car and left the man on the side of the road.

Five minutes passed and the homeless man was able to stand up. When the pickup stopped in front of him. The man raced out and gave him his winter coat.

"Sir, what happened?"

"A… ah." The homeless man was shivering.

"Why don’t you hop into my front seat?" The homeless man sat in the seat and closed the door. The driver got into the car.

"My name is Carl. What’s yours?"

"Jessie."

"Jessie, did someone beat you up?"

Jessie was rubbing his hands and he rocked back and forth. "I am homeless."

"Okay, that doesn't explain what happened to you."

Jessie shook. "I was sleeping under a bridge in the city… and two police officers drove me here and forced me to take off my coat and my shirt."

Carl‘s eyes rolled. "You're kidding me."

Jessie stared into Carl‘s eyes. "It’s for real, they did that to me."

Carl let out a deep breath. "I own a farm a mile away. I have an apartment in my basement that no one is using. I'll let you stay there until we can get help for you.

How did you become homeless?"

Jessie lowered his head. "I lost my job when I got caught drinking. Then my wife kicked me out of the house. My unemployment insurance ran out and the landlord evicted me.

Carl shook his head. "I am sorry to hear that. I need someone to help me on the farm. You'll get paid and have free room and board. Have you ever worked on a farm before?"

"No, I haven’t"

Carl winked. "Don't worry, you’ll learn."

Jessie‘s jaw dropped out of his mouth. "Sir, you don't know me. Why would you want to help me?"

Carl beamed. "I am a Christian, Have you heard of the Bible?"

"Yes."

Carl picked up a Bible that was on the seat and opened it. "The Bible says in the book of Matthew, for I was hungry and you gave me something to eat, I was thirsty and you gave me something to drink.

I needed clothes and you clothed me. Jesus was Gods son. Do you know Jesus?"

Jessie was looking off in a distance. "No, don’t." Jessie turned his head toward

Carl, "but maybe I‘d like to."

Carl pulled away. "The incident you had with the officer may be the Lords hand on your life."
.
Carl smiled. "It may very well be.”
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Member Comments
Member
Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 
11/09/12
This is an intriguing story. You grabbed my interest and held it throughout.

I did notice quite a few little errors like missing quotation marks, question marks, Gods son should be God's son. Also the fact about it being twenty below zero feels unreal. A man would die of hypothermia in almost no time if out in the elements with that temperature. If you polish it up, fix the errors and work on making it more authentic (including some of the dialog that didn't feel natural) you'd have a fantastic piece.

I liked your modern take on the good Samaritan story. Many have written stories this week with the Bible verse you uses but I thought your POV was a different spin on it and I enjoyed this story.
Randy Foncree
11/11/12
I enjoyed the read..it kept my interest throughout...the only critique I would have is that there are parts of it that seem unrealistic to me. Other than that, good story...