The Official Writing Challenge
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10/10/05
I think you start off with a good story, but lose the reader at the conclusion. In other words, I was still hungry:)
10/11/05
You write conversation very well - just enough beats to keep it interesting and flowing nicely. I agree that your ending leaves us hanging. Just stopping at "I'm glad you like it" would have wrapped it up quite nicely.
10/12/05
I'd stop this story even a few sentences earlier: at "I'll be able to keep it a lot longer than she will the flowers." Then prehaps the husband could reply "Well, you'd better!" or some such. You're a gifted writer, your dialog is realistic and entertaining. I loved it when the mom thought "chocolate would be nice..." Very witty and sweet.
10/12/05
The romantic foundation is good, and I appreciated your realistic and atypical setting of the pool. Dialogue and person were a hard to track and left me a little confused. Otherwise, a nice and funny look at married life!
I like this. But I agree with the rest...and obviously you agree too ;) that the transition at the end didn't work out so well...otherwise it's great! I love the dialogue and the personal touch! Thanks for "shari"ng Shari!
10/13/05
She got her flowers anyway in the end. Nice touch. Good article.
10/13/05
Ohhhh! I get it now -- Garnet's comment clued me in to the fact that she finally got her flowers. Unfortunately, I didn't pick this up in reading the story. Sorry!

Your dialogue flows well and the interaction between characters is entertaining. With a little work on the ending, it would be just perfect! Overall, good job though!
10/13/05
Although it's certainly not essential to the story, I found myself wondering how Sarah fit into the story. Were you her babysitter? Her swimming instructer? A lifeguard? Like I said, that's really not essential to the story, but I felt a little lost at the beginning. I love the story though. Perhaps the choice of the fabrics could have been a plain one and flowers? Then your daughter could have said "The flowers, mommy!" I don't know. Very good overall though!
10/13/05
I agree with Jan. Or, better develop the flowered material segment. Keep it up! :o)
I enjoyed this snapshot of married life. The dialogue was realistic and the story was well-told. Perhaps the last section could have been added as a short concluding paragraph rather than as a new 'scene' that left the reader hanging. Keep writing!
I agree with the other comments, but I love the story! :-)
10/15/05
Just yesterday, I was with a group who were teasingly teaching a newly married young couple and soon to be married young couple about what sort of gifts women like from their man ... should show them this! Good job.
10/15/05
The beginning of the story worked for me because it set up the coming surprise. As so many people missed the importance of the fabric at the end I'd work a bit more on it but not make it too obvious. However the kids came as a surprise. I’d initially assumed she had no kids because she looking after the child. Loved that she loved his surprise. Yeggy