The Official Writing Challenge
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Date
09/14/05
Very well done, a touching piece that is probably publishable. You might work on the first few paragraphs, try to show rather than tell and tighten the descriptions just a bit. Great job overall - Congrats.
09/14/05
Yes it is a touching story. Very connected to the emotions of both parents and the reality of the dangerous first few weeks of a premmie baby's life.
09/14/05
Moving story. Watch your spelling and the use of 'was' words. Good flow and follow through. God Bless.
09/14/05
Nicely done--send a copy to the helicopter people; it will really bless them.
09/14/05
Very nice story. I followed the link from you not so subtle hint, lol.
09/14/05
I was looking for you in Advanced, but then I realized you wouldn't have known yet that you have to enter there from now on. But this story confirms that you can obviously hold your own in Level 3. Congrats!
Every parent or grandparent can connect emotionally with this well written story. And what a wonderful purpose for the writing of it!
You've done it again! Another great piece. I was so relieved that it wasn't Josiah's alarm going off and then felt guilty for thinking that way! Thanks for sharing.
A really great and touching story.
09/17/05
Oh so tender and very well written. Great, great work.
09/17/05
Having had early contractions myself, I could relate. Thankfully my dr caught it in time
09/17/05
it in time (my youngest hit the keyboard mid-comment lol). A very well told story, I could feel the concern of the mother.
09/18/05
I'll pick on you a little since you're a defending winner.....
I think that you had a killer story going right up until the last couple of paragraphs. The part about how the transport crib had just been purchased as a result of a fundraising drive killed all your momentum and emotion. It didn't advance the story at all. The closing paragraph where the mom gives a summary of things that happened in her prayer also sapped the emotional flow a bit. I'd of rather skipped the prayer and had you told of the dramatic arrival at the hosp or something.... in other words, continued what you had done so outstandingly well at the beginning 9/10ths of the piece.

Aside from those nit picks, another outstanding piece. Thanks!
09/20/05
I think it's great! This is coming from one who tends to be 'preachy' myself ... but sometimes, I need things spelled out, and you've done a great job here - well done!
09/20/05
Congrats. Your piece draws the reader in a keeps him reading!