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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: BUG (04/06/17)
I woke up with a start! Where was I? Were those screams, that I was hearing filtering down the hallway towards my bedroom? What in the world was going on? What time of the day was it?



I jumped from my bed, had no time to check my face on the mirror, but just rushed towards the screams. Whatever was happening out there, needed my immediate attention. Were we being burglarized? I was a visitor in that home, and I didn’t know much about the neighbourhood.



The living room was on the ground floor, and I deciphered that was where the screams were coming from. I ‘flew’ down the stairs in thirty seconds flat. I didn’t even realize that my aging feet could still run that fast! I was breathing so rapidly, my morning hypertension medication was now no match over the rush of blood in my system.



The screaming suddenly stopped. Three girls stared at me. I stared right back at them. Before I could calm my heart enough to speak, they in unison cried out, “Auntie, are you okay?” What? Me? Then I realised that I was leaning by the rail, trying to catch my breath. It was so laboured, I could hear my heart beating like a drum right in my ears. My feet felt like they were going to fold up on me, at any minute.



It was then that I remembered what had brought me down there in the first place. “Why were you screaming?” I shouted at them. There was dead silence now, and that only agitated me even more. I stepped forward and I said, “What is happening here, someone give me an answer quickly.”



They were all standing on top of the coffee table! Sheepishly, one responded, “Auntie, we know you are not well, and we are sorry to wake you up from your afternoon nap. We saw a bug there by the open doorway to the porch.”



“I beg your pardon, a bug! What does it look like? Where is it?” I queried. They pointed, and my eyes followed the direction of their youthful fingers. It was a small caterpillar, not even distinct enough to see it from a distance. It was the kind most common in any garden within my own neighbourhood. And that was the least of our list of threats in our community!



I looked at the now very much embarrassed girls, and I said, “As big as you girls are, really, how can you be terrified of such a small bug? Take a swatter and get rid of it, for goodness sake”. If any kind of bug, fly or insect invaded my home, I had one policy for them; they die. It was as simple as that.



And of course, I blamed my sister in law for not teaching her girls to be brave. Did she even read them the famous story of young David when he killed the notorious giant Goliath? David simply grabbed his sling, loaded some stones, aimed at Goliath’s forehead, and down came the giant. ‘Every parent ought to read that bible story in 1 Samuel 17 to their children,’ I mused to myself. ‘There was no harm in giving them a small dose of bravery at an early age!’



I headed back upstairs, with the hope of resuming my afternoon nap, if it was still possible! I had travelled some ninety miles only yesterday, from my city to my brother’s and his family. Doctors had picked up some irregularities in my heart and since I lived alone, my brother had offered to have me in his home while more tests were being done. What I needed most now was rest and quietness. Was that achievable in a home where young people would simply scream so loudly at the sight of a mere bug, I wondered to myself.



This article is fiction.
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This article has been read 406 times
Member Comments
Member
Date
Judy Ewald
04/13/17
I liked your story, very vivid descriptions of "Auntie" even her concern about our she looked. I liked the message of teaching your folks to be brave. Well written I enjoyed reading it.
Michael Dreher
04/14/17
Hello, and thank you for sharing your article.

First, I have to say that I laughed when the source for the screams turns out to be little girls screaming over a bug. I have two little girls, the oldest of which is 4, and she cries over bugs.

Second, and from a critical stand-point, you need to sharpen up on your comma usage. There were a lot of extra and unneeded commas in your story.

For instance: "Were those screams, that I was hearing filtering down the hallway towards my bedroom?"

No comma is necessary in this sentence.

Last, I enjoyed that you tied in the story of David and Goliath. You are correct that it is never too early to instill courage into our children.
Michael Dreher
04/14/17
Hello, and thank you for sharing your article.

First, I have to say that I laughed when the source for the screams turns out to be little girls screaming over a bug. I have two little girls, the oldest of which is 4, and she cries over bugs.

Second, and from a critical stand-point, you need to sharpen up on your comma usage. There were a lot of extra and unneeded commas in your story.

For instance: "Were those screams, that I was hearing filtering down the hallway towards my bedroom?"

No comma is necessary in this sentence.

Last, I enjoyed that you tied in the story of David and Goliath. You are correct that it is never too early to instill courage into our children.
Larry Whittington
04/17/17
A well put together story. If two or three of these situations were put together in the right way this "family" might become a "short story".

I liked it.
Larry Whittington
04/17/17
A well put together story. If two or three of these situations were put together in the right way this "family" might become a "short story".

I liked it.
Phillip Cimei
04/18/17
I enjoyed your story. Nicely done. I would like to leave a few pointers to help you clean up the writing. Reread, reread, and reread. I feel that many of the silly little mistakes will be eliminated if you reread your story many, many, time.

You need to have time between each reread as we have a tendency to skip over the mistakes because we know what we wanted to say even though it isn't written that way.

I am not sure but I think you meant "Startle" in the first sentence not "Start".

Go to the forum site to where you will find out what the eight points are that the judges use to judge your writing.

I take each one separately. Go over each point and make sure I have addressed that point to the best of my ability.

A few points--take this a not overly critical of your writing, but some points that I discovered, that were probably because of submitting it too early. Shann, gave me a good tip. Wait until the last minute to submit it.

Check your spelling, your punctuation, your topic, your beginning and end and the flow. If you do this individually, you will catch a lot of mistakes.

You did a great job. I would like to see more of your writing. God Bless.