Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: CANDY (04/28/16)
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TITLE: Angelique | Previous Challenge Entry
By Don Buschert
05/05/16 -
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Angelique was too engaged in her game to notice the van pull up.
“Hola niña,” said a strange man with dark sunglasses. He had a friendly, warm smile and a kind tone. “Ven aquí y mira. ¿Caramelo?" he asked.
Curious, Angelique came bounding out of her hiding. The strange man held a large bag of bonbons. He bent down to her level, offering her one in an outstretched palm. Angelique couldn't resist. With a beaming smile, she reached for the wrapped confection. The man kindly motioned for her to enter the open side door of the van. Without any hesitation, the little girl climbed in. The stranger followed after her and quickly shut the door. The van drove off in a cloud of dust.
I flew into the van and hovered over Angelique, who was neatly and safely strapped into a bucket seat. She was busy devouring an entire bag of sweets, unaware of the proceedings around her. I spread my wings, cloaking them around her little body, shielding her from evil.
The van drove fast. Angelique looked around with her big brown eyes. There were no windows. She noticed the strange man sitting beside her was too busy texting on his phone. Angelique peered towards the front of the vehicle, she could see the driver's face reflected through the rear-view mirror. He also wore sunglasses, covering his eyes, but his face looked mean and angry. There was a third man sitting next to him in the passenger seat, talking loudly on his phone.
"I want my Mommy," asserted Angelique in English.
The stranger beside her stopped his texting and smiled kindly, placing a long, thin finger over his lips.
"I want my Mommy!" repeated Angelique, louder.
I smile. The girl is strong. Yet I feel her anxious heartbeat. She feels me and snuggles close. I whisper to her, echoing the words of the Father, "I will never leave you Angelique. You are safe."
The girl trusts and believes; she calms in my arms.
The van speeds on. Someone else is here. I rise up, poking my head through the roof, delightful to find two heroic warriors perched over the driver and passenger's seat. Both have swords drawn. The legendary Azuli is stationed directly over the driver. His crystal sword is drawn, and shines in the dazzling glory light, discharging breath-taking shades of blues, lapis lazuli, and violets. His faithful cohort Rote is positioned directly over the unsuspecting passenger, who is still preoccupied with his phone. Rote's sword glistens as like fire with burning crimsons, scarlets and orange.
Azuli turns around, and flashes me a knowing grin. I smile back. He winks. I nod in salute; grateful these two are leading this charge.
The van stops at a red light. On cue, Azuli grasps his sword with both hands and plunges it slowly down into the hapless driver. The razor sharp tip penetrates through his neck, next to his right shoulder. Azuli's grip is steady and firm; expertly he drives the sword downward, slicing through the driver's collarbone, muscles, blood vessels, stopping only after piercing his heart.
The driver jerks, arms flailing, his body rocks with waves of tiny spasms. His head falls on the wheel with a thump. Horrified, the man in the passenger seat bolts out of the idling vehicle. The stranger beside Angelique turns white, as if seeing a ghost. He opens the side door and runs, leaving Angelique alone inside. I shield her eyes and ears. She does not need to know.
Angelique sits on her Daddy's knee. His arms are tightly draped around her. His face is buried in her curly blonde hair.
"Honey, you mustn't leave the compound like that," said her distraught mother tearfully. "Your father and I were so worried about you. We thought something bad happened."
"I'm sorry," said Angelique, her big brown eyes shamefully staring at the ground. "But the nice man said he would never leave me.”
"What nice man?" asked her father. "We found you alone."
"The nice man with the shiny gold hair, and the bright happy eyes. He walked with me, holding my hand. He came to protect me.”
Angelique's parents exchanged astonished glances.
"See, he gave me this."
Angelique opened her tiny, tightly bound fist, revealing a golden wrapped bonbon.
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Your beginning had a nice hook, but you could tighten it up like this:
My mouth grew dry as I watched little Angelique scurry out of the compound into the alley, where she hid among the cans. Being her guardian angel, I was able to hear her thoughts. They can't find me her. She turned her head towards the gate and didn't see the van pull up, but I spotted it immediately.
By adding some body language and putting thoughts in italics, it can spice the story up some. Remember who is your narrator. Usually, the reader can only know what the MC sees, hears and thinks. If you hop into another head it's called a POV shift. I fixed it here with the lune: Being her guardian angel (which alluded to omniscience at least toward her charge) helped prevent the shift, but try to be aware of whose head you're in when writing a story and tell it from the MC's POV.
You did a nice job. I liked the protective nature of the MC and the innocence of the child. You kept me intrig0right to the end.
Great job with delivery , content and being on topic.
Blessings~
Write on!