The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
11/19/15
What an interesting story! I think I'd like to meet Tim! I feel as though I ought to pray for him, so you brought him to life very effectively.
The church has lost its savior and is only good to be thrown out and trampled under to foot of man?

Each person is to be the salt of the earth so it is the duty of each person to not loose his/her savior.
11/23/15
I liked that Tim was a renegade for Christ, because he was on fire for Christ.
11/23/15
We need more Tims in this world. Loved the passion you express here.

Reminds me of a friend of mine who was saved out of the gang culture. He was reading his Bible and wanted to know "when are we going to start doing the stuff?" He was referring to 'heal the sick, the blind, cast out demons" and all the things mentioned in the New Testament. He even brought his gun to church to force people to accept Christ. He matured but never lost his passion for the lost.

Keep writing!
I really enjoyed your story. You jumped into the conflict right out of the box and it really drew me in. There's a lot of truth in Tim's words for sure, and although the pastor is a bit misguided, he did make a couple of good suggestions like encouraging him to pray. It was a nice balance and a fair depiction of many pastors today.

My main suggestion would be to add body language. Instead of taglines like he said, use narrative lines like Tim threw his hands in the air. "We need to do more..." Likewise, instead of telling like in this line: Tim was really getting worked up by this time.
Show what that looks like. Perhaps He sprayed spit as he spoke or pounded his fist into his hand or even had some red creep into his face.

You definitely covered the topic. I think you had a clear, powerful message. Often people struggle with the ending, but I think you had a strong ending that left me feeling invigorated. Overall, this was a great read beginning to end.
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