Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: PRIDE (inflated opinion of one’s self) (02/19/15)
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TITLE: Alone | Previous Challenge Entry
By Amy Gaudette
02/24/15 -
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The weathered old woman sat alone, wrapped in a pile of dusty, moth eaten afghans with frayed edges. Darkness and bitter cold were her only companions. The fire in front of her reluctantly shared it's heat. Outdoors the wind howled relentlessly against her small shuttered home.
Old Ebbie had seen many winters in her day, but this one seemed to rage endlessly and her broken body ached all the more for it.
Alone, she thought to herself bitterly. Alone. A hacking cough interrupted her thoughts. She took a stained hankie and wiped her dry cracked lips. Just as it should be. I survived being beaten as a child. I put myself through college without help from anyone, and I built my own business without borrowing a penny. A harsh laugh sputtered out but was quickly replaced with a gasp for air.
The flickering firelight reflected darkness in her eyes. She arched her back and lifted her trembling head. I didn't need anyone, did I? Did I? Ebbie tried to continue her haughty monologue but once again a desperate hacking tore through her frame and she knew she her body was beaten. There was nothing she could do.
Suddenly a mighty wind slammed against the house shaking it to it's core. A back draft blew down the chimney and sent billowing smoke into the house, nearly extinguishing the fire. Ebbie began to wheeze. The house took on a deeper chill.
With great effort Ebbie pushed herself off the couch and shuffled to the wood box. She grabbed the last piece of wood and through it in the dying fire. Her shoulders heaved and her breath came at a high price as she sat back on the sagging couch. She reached for the forgotten tea, now cold, and drank the last nourishment she had in the house. There was nothing left. She tried to stretch the afghans over her swollen legs but the effort was too great. I didn't need anyone. And I don't now! Defiance stood strong in the face of utter frailty.
The chill in the room turned frigid. Ebbie began to shake, her teeth chattered, her heart raced, her breath thin. I succeeded. I achieved everything I went after. I did it on my own. I.....
Old Ebbie breathed her last, alone.
“There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.” Proverbs 14:12 NIV
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My only suggestions are related to some grammatical issues:
1. The use of it's and its. It's is a contraction and means it is. Its is possessive and refers to ownership. In the sentence, The fire in front of her reluctantly shared it's heat; the apostrophe should be removed.
2. The use of commas between adjectives
3. The word through should have been threw.
4. The word she should be removed in: she knew [she] her body was beaten.
5. Use a semi-colon to separate a complete sentence: The chill in the room turned frigid; Ebbie began to shake; her teeth chattered; her heart raced, and her breath thinned.
6. If you are joining two complete sentences together, make sure you use a comma and a coordinating conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so).
Example: She tried to stretch the afghans over her swollen legs. The effort was too great.
She tried to stretch the afghans over her swollen legs, but the effort was too great.
You have so much potential, and I look forward to reading your future entries.
You have a talent, keep up the great work!
God bless~
God bless~
I really liked your entry.