Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Write for the SUSPENSE and/or THRILLER Genre (10/23/14)
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TITLE: The Flutist | Previous Challenge Entry
By Dawn Winston
10/28/14 -
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My boyfriend and I hitchhiked up the California and Oregon coast. Used to living with no money, he had us camp out for free wherever we could. My boyfriend, Will, asked our last ride for the night to drop us off in a remote nature preserve. We had all we needed on our back, and some that we didn’t need, like his guitar. Our driver asked if we were sure we wanted to be dropped off at dusk alone in this area that was prohibited to be at, at night. “It will be cool, man.” Will reassured him, but not me.
We set out for the deep woods in the purple sky and heard rustling in the bushes ahead. We gripped each other’s hands as a young man emerged as surprised to see us as we him. “Hey man,” he said. “You two gonna camp up here?”
“Ahh, wow,” Will stammered. We really wanted to crash, but something was wrong. “I don’t know, man. I think we are just passing through.” Something was wrong with this guy. He was too aggressive, and we were all alone with him in nowhere.
“Come on, man, we can jam. You want to play some tunes?” He pointed to the massive guitar.
“Nooo, not this time, man, we’ve got to get going.” Will smiled weakly and turned.
“What’s that, man?” the bearded man got angry and pointed to Will’s Northwestern Archaeology shirt, a gift from me. “You go there? You go to that ivy league school?” He stepped towards us, “You think you are some fat cat from a hot shot school?”
“No, man, It’s just a shirt, its cool, be cool, but we really have got to go.”
We walked as quickly as possible toward the fast setting sun.
“Come on, man, let’s play some tunes.”
We were forced to walk through a wetland area, and were frightened we would get cold… or chased.
Gradually only the moon gave us light. We did not know where we were headed, and then we heard a sound. Beautiful flute music came from the wild man’s direction. Soothing, calm, astounding classical music poured through the night forest.
“Woooo” said Will, who was a music major. “Handel, I think.”
Wrong in our assumptions we sloshed through the now-less-dangerous night. We were serenaded until we hit a road and could hear no more.
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Good job!
God bless~
You may want to consider using more dialog to move the story along. For example: Our driver crinkled his forehead as he waved his hand toward the shadowy field. "Uh, you sure you wanna be left way out here? It's getting dark and you two'll be all alone out here. It's against the law to be out here after dark, ya know, right? I've heard some pretty scary stories--"
Will shrugged off his concerns. "Oh Man, we'll be fine, right baby?" He didn't bother to wait for my answer as he slammed the door and stumped off into the field.
I added a bit to show how little bits of body language and dialog can propel the story forward.
I do think you did a great job of writing on the genre. You showed the conflict right away and sprinkled inklings of suspense throughout the story. Your ending was good too. I didn't see it coming and it's a great way to show how things aren't always what they seem. I really enjoyed this piece. Nice job.
May I suggest focusing more fear into the descriptions . . . deep blurred woods ever darkening in rhythm to the settling sun. The sky seemingly stained, by expansive swaths of poison purple hues.
Yup, . . . But, you know - I saw you - I saw your boyfriend - and the flutist - you made me do that - I was there - that’s the important thing, the rest is blah, blah, blah, by comparison.
Please keep writing.
God bless~