Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Write for the SUSPENSE and/or THRILLER Genre (10/23/14)
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TITLE: End Time Incident | Previous Challenge Entry
By Graham Keet
10/26/14 -
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Her hands were cold and clammy; she could feel the sweat running down her forehead as she approached the checkout point. She placed the few food items on the counter, and took a hundred dollar bill from her handbag.
The checkout lady gave her a nervous look, then pressed a button under the counter. ‘I’ll need to check this with Mr. Brodie,’ she said quickly.
A short balding man appeared from a nearby office. ‘Jenny, honey, I told you I can’t keep letting you pay in dollars, it’s not legal currency anymore. You must apply for the mark, or I can’t serve you.’ To the checkout lady he said: ‘Let it go today, but this is the last time.’
Jenny grabbed her parcel of food, left the store and hurried to her apartment. She entered the building and climbed the three flights of stairs. Entering her apartment she called out: ‘Megan, Mummy’s home, where are you?’
Eight-year-old Megan came from the kitchen, a worried look on her face. ‘There was a man here looking for you, Mummy. I told him you went to the store, and he said he would come back later. I didn’t like him, he scared me.’
‘Haven’t I told you never to open the door to strangers?’
‘I didn’t open the door, Mummy, he was in my bedroom.’
Jenny felt a chill down her spine. ‘How did he get into your bedroom? Are you telling the truth? You know I told you never to lie to me.’
‘But I’m not lying. He looked very fierce, and his eyes were on fire.’
Jenny looked questioningly at her daughter. ‘I think you’ve been watching too much television. It’s time for bed, young lady, enough stories for tonight.’
An hour later Jenny lay in bed wrestling with her indecision. The world was in a real mess with earthquakes, freak weather and sickness, and nothing could be purchased without the mark. Taking the mark would make life easier, but Mike had made her promise never to give in. He had said these were end times, and they must remain strong. If it were not for Megan, the decision would be easy, and she would take the consequences of resisting the new government, but she had Megan to consider. If only Mike were still alive, he always knew what to do.
As she turned over to try and sleep, she saw a figure standing at the foot of her bed. Terror gripped her. Not wanting to wake Megan, she stifled a scream. ‘Who.. Who are you? What do you want?’ she stammered.
In the glow of a flickering neon sign outside, Jenny could make out the shape of a man; but it was his glowing eyes that filled her with cold fear. She had never seen such cruelty emanating from anyone before.
‘I have been sent to give you the mark that you seem so anxious to avoid,’ the intruder said in a voice that made her flesh crawl. You have a simple choice, accept it or you and your daughter die tonight.’ He raised his hand and appeared to be holding a glowing ember. ‘This won’t hurt - much,’ he chuckled, walking to her side of the bed.
Jenny screamed and jumping from the other side of the bed, ran into the living room. To her horror the intruder was already there. At the same time Megan ran into the room screaming: ‘Mommy, what’s happening? Why is this horrible man here again.’ Jenny grabbed Megan and fell to the floor, holding her tightly.
Megan was sobbing uncontrollably as Jenny covered her with her own body. The intruder approached them with his arm raised. The object in his hand glowed white hot, as he brought his arm down. Jenny held her breath, but the blow did not fall. She waited a moment, and then looked up: they were alone in the room. Suddenly she was filled with an indescribable peace. Megan too had stopped sobbing. Softly Jenny whispered: ‘Jesus, You are so faithful.’
She stood up and crossed over to the coffee table where her Bible lay open: she read:
‘And I saw an angel coming down out of heaven, having the key to the Abyss and holding in his hand a great chain. He seized the dragon, that ancient serpent, who is the devil, or Satan, and bound him for a thousand years.’ (Rev 20: 1 – 3, NIV)
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Instead of taglines like he said, you can use the spot to do more showing. Take this for an example : Pivoting on the sole of his foot, he raised his eyebrows at the checkout lady. ‘Let it go today, but this is the last time.’
Jenny thought she saw the clerk's face ripple with tension as her own stomach rumbled. "Thank you." She grabbed her parcels and scurried out to the car, afraid to look over her shoulder even though she was sure she felt the manager's eyes glaring at her.
I add some liberties to show some extra ways to drop even more suspenseful tidbits.
You did a fine job of writing in this genre. Your pacing was just right. You allowed the suspense to keep rhythm with the pacing. I think your beginning get was strong. It pulled me right in and kept me going right to the end.
I loved it...excellent job.
God bless~
Wanda