Am I dying? | Previous Challenge Entry

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TITLE: Am I dying? | Previous Challenge Entry
By andria donnelly
01/31/05
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Today is my youngest daughter's birthday. I just wrote a letter telling her about that glorious day twenty-nine years ago. I am thinking about sending my other daughter a note written at seventeen promising me she would never smoke, and she never did. My son called two nights ago to tell me I am going to be a grandma, for the third time. I am ecstatic. I raised him since he was five and he is a wonderful young man. I am writing his unborn child a letter.

Today, memories flood my mind like a river out of control. I want to tell my children everything. I have begun to write. I am writing about me growing up, them growing up. I am writing poetry and letters. I am in a continuous writing mode. I kept a journal all my life. I have written poetry and stories and I am writing books. Now I have put all that aside and I've begun to write from my heart, directly to my children and grand children; about them, for them. Not e-mail or snail mail but something they can cherish forever.

What is this change that I am experiencing? Am I dying? Do I see the end of time ahead? I'm not sick. A life threatening disease is not destroying my mind or body. Why this sudden urge to get it all down on paper? What jolted this from my mind and why didn't I think about it before today?

I'm angry that I didn't think to do this before. Will my time run out before I get it all written down? I'm angry that I lost so much precious time not recording what lies in the depths of my soul and that my heart holds so many unspoken treasured memories. I'm angry that my mind has years of information that will stay there if I don't hurry and get it out. This is driving me crazy. Where is this urge coming from, and why all of a sudden? Am I scared? When I get scared, I pray for guidance.

I kneel and pray.

Now I'm no longer angry. I feel grateful to God for allowing me the wisdom of my age, my healthy body and the children and grandchildren he saw fit to give me. Lastly, I am grateful for the time, energy and desire He has given me to finally write about all those precious memories.

Am I dying? No...I am living and if it is God's will, I will get it all on paper, before he calls me.

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