Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Confused (08/16/07)
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TITLE: Deathbed Confessions | Previous Challenge Entry
By Jennifer Wetter
08/23/07 -
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I stuttered, “Wh…aaa….tttttt? How can that be?” My mind reeled, my heart raced, my face flushed and blackness overwhelmed me. I was too young… God couldn’t allow me to die especially not now when I had so much to live for.
My mind wandered for a while through the vastness of space as I drifted in and out of momentarily conscious. I was quickly jolted back to reality with a needle from the nurse.
“Ms. Williams,” the doctor whispered. “Our tests are 99% accurate. I am sorry but there’s nothing more we can do.”
I nodded, “What about the other 1%, doctor?”
“In this profession I’ve never made a mistake yet,” the doctor stuttered.
I cried, “Alright, has my family been told yet?”
The doctor nodded and pointed outside the hospital room.
I had come in for a simple operation instead of leaving in my family’s Honda I’d be leaving in a hospital hearse. Instead of a prom and graduation I’d be receiving a casket and burial. Hopefully it’d be a proper one at that I sniffed.
Julie,” my mom whispered. “How are you holding up, dear?”
I cried, “How is anyone supposed to be holding up when they only have a week to live?”
“Well I suppose you’ve made a good point,” my mom nodding in agreement.
I shuddered at the thought at what I was about to do next.
“Yes,” she murmured. “What do you need, dear?”
I faltered, “Well I have a confession to make….”
She brushed my hair aside, “I am sure it’s nothing. Why don’t you rest and tell me later, Julie?”
“It can’t wait until later, mom,” I yelled. “I only have a week to live. I love you and this is just too important not to tell you.”
“Well you know that beautiful car you had,” I asked.
“The Mercedes convertible,” she said tears staining her eyes. “My favorite car that was completely totaled.”
I nodded in fear, “Yes, that car. Well uh…you see….I was the one who totaled the car.”
Fury raged across her face, “It was you!!! The car was never stolen then was it, Julie.”
“I am so sorry, mom,” I begged. “I should have told you sooner but I was of how you’d react.”
Her fists were becoming fists of fury and I was cowering in terror. (Hint: Never destroy a mother’s beloved possession, especially an expensive one and then lie about it.)
Just then my father, brother and younger sister all entered the room. I trembled I had three more confessions to make.
My mother seethed, “Why don’t you tell him what you told me, DEAR?”
I nodded, “Well uh dad…..you know your favorite set of golf clubs.”
His face darkened, “My favorite set of golf clubs that disappeared.”
“Yes, those same golf clubs,” I tensed. “Well uh…..they really just disappear….they’re buried in the backyard.”
“Sarah and I were conducting science experiments,” I continued. “And we accidentally corroded the metal off your golf clubs.”
My arms flailed as I prepared to protect my face.
“I am so disappointed in you, Julie,” my dad said. “I thought I could trust you more than this.”
My heart broke as my dad spoke those words to me. I’d never seen his so disappointed or disgusted.
But the brave and broken must always continue on with their brother’s.
“Jeff…you know that party that you threw. The party that our parents were never supposed to find out about.”
He nodded, “I got grounded for three months for that party.”
“Well,” I said. “I was the individual who ratted you out to mom and dad. I am so sorry.”
“Rebecca,” I continued. “Well you know that favorite Barbie Doll of yours.”
”You mean my Mermaid Barbie,” she contently replied. “She drowned in a diving accident.”
I shook my head, “Well actually it wasn’t a diving accident. I pushed her into the pool.”
“Mommy, mommy,” Rebecca screamed. “Julie drowned my Mermaid Barbie.”
My mother nodded, “Julie how could you?”
Before my mother could continue lecturing the doctor knocked the door.
“Ms. Williams, I have good news,” he grinned. “You’re not dying. There was simply some confusion in our testing and one of the nurses’s entered your data wrong into our system.”
“So you’re free to go home,” he continued.
I begged, “Please let me stay here instead.”
“Why,” he asked.
“Too many deathbed confessions,” I muttered.
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It's a bit disturbing for the first half or so, though--none of the characters seem to act like real people would in such a situation. Perhaps you need to clue your readers in to the fact that this is satire earlier, so we're not horrified by the doctor's and family's actions.
Once I'd figured out where you were going with this, I enjoyed the protagonist's discomfort and what I knew would happen at the end...lots of fun.