Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Shopping (03/01/07)
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TITLE: Thou Shalt Not Judge | Previous Challenge Entry
By Janice Cartwright
03/02/07 -
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I first met Cherise when she came to our house to apply for a job as serving maid. I almost didn’t give her the time of day. However, something stopped me from sending her away without at least giving her a chance. Maybe my sub-conscious picked up on the fact that she wore not one trace of jewelry or lipstick and that her shoulders were modestly covered. If that was the case, I don’t remember. Perhaps it was just that I believed in fairness. But probably not.
Cherise was one of those dark beauties - you know the kind that reminds you of a crimson rose on a long stem with plenty of thorns. Her voice was low and husky and when she walked, she didn’t just walk, she slunk. Her black hair waved down over one eye, falling almost to her waist in back, and her bare feet were tanned and smooth as they peeked from beneath her full-gathered, emerald and peach flowered skirt. And did this girl ever have a shape! Her figure was cause enough to make any wife wonder if such a female should be allowed in the same room with her big, burly Abraham for even a second, let alone take up sleeping quarters in the same house.
I am thinking it must have been fate that morning that caused the grocery boy to make his appearance smack in the middle of my interview with Cherise. Living in a foreign country, it was ever so much easier if I didn’t have to shop the local markets, especially confusing since I had not yet picked up much of the lingo. So every morning at around 11:00 A.M. or so this grocery lad let himself in the back door, placed our order on the panty shelf and collected the envelope holding the exact amount of cash for which we had previously arranged.
I also might mention, since you must be wondering, that calling my little visit with Cherise an interview is an overstatement of sorts. She gestured and I gestured and once in a while we understood each others’ gesturing
At any rate the youth, who was probably about 2 years into his teens, had come in with his sacks and had just set them down when he spied Cherise. She was probably about a yard or so away and standing with her back to him. I can only imagine the effect that curvaceous form viewed from his angle must have had on the boy for he let out a long, low wolf whistle, universal in any language.
What followed could best be described as what might occur if a mama panther caught an avowed enemy in the act of molesting her new-born cub. All the fire and ice of a truly conservative soul was unleashed that day on the head of one very unsuspecting young grocery clerk. I can’t tell you precisely what Cherise said or what she did. I can only recount that her words were uttered with such volume, her movements fueled with such potency, that neither ear nor eye nor human form could long endure under their combined force. I do believe however with all my heart that the youth understood. I shall always believe that.
Cherise came to work for us that very day on the condition that we allow her to do all our shopping. And that the grocery clerk never set foot in our house again so long as she was our employee. We were never sorry that we agreed. I don’t think she need have worried much about the grocery guy.
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Try to use the word "that" less. It's usually either unneeded or can be replaced with a "better" word.
You have some great phrases in here. I especially loved the lines about gesturing at each other and occasionally understanding each others gestures. Great job. Keep writing!
I hope you'll keep rising to the Challenge and using it as a way to hone your skill. I'll look forward to seeing more from you in the future.
with love, Deb (Challenge Coordinator and Editor, FaithWriters' Magazine)