The Official Writing Challenge
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Member Comments
Member
Date
10/10/13
Thank you for sharing your story with us. It held a prolific message throughout. I enjoyed it.

God bless~
This is an interesting story. I really liked the message and the different twist to it. It's been awhile since I've read a story about AIDS and I'm so glad you wrote this. It's important to continue to write and read about this topic. There certainly is an outcast for many people who suffer with HIV.

You may want to work on doing some more showing. Take this line: As she reached the market on a very hot day
You can make the reader feel the heat with something like this: As she reached the market, the scorching sun made her pause and wipe the sweat off her red face.
It's not perfect, but it shows the reader she is hot and is struggling while giving them a mental picture.

You did a great job of covering the topic in a fresh way. You had a nice pace to your story and it made me stop and think which is always a good thing.

10/12/13
I appreciate that the MC is a hard worker and I also admirer her desire to always seek the Lord, even during difficult times. I also like the sudden appearance of the nephew beside her at the bedside.

I had a very hard time following the story however. It was very fast-paced as the scenes raced from the room, to the yard, to the market place, then back home, to the neighbor, and ended at the bedside. I think that adding some transitional words, phrase etc would draw the story together and provide a better flow.

The story was good over all, it presented a very strong message and ended on a positive note.
This tells a story of not only a family but a village. Many are not in areas where they would be familiar with this scene.It brings to my mind that we should be more aware of things around us and more aware of our attitudes toward people.