Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Black Sheep of the Family (10/03/13)
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TITLE: The Eraser | Previous Challenge Entry
By Pinkie Bagele Taolo
10/09/13 -
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Mma Mmereki is a very hard working woman in the village of Shashemooke. At twelve noon she would be done with every household chore. And this normally ushers her to the busy and noisy place in the village; the market place.
As she reached the market on a very hot day, she realized that it has been a long time since she saw her nephew. She brushed off the thought. “My pastor told me to be positive always, my nephew is at home.”she spoke to herself.
With her usual hymn she started to prepare dinner for her family, which is herself and Mpho her nephew. She finished eating still with no sign of company. Could this be a trial or she is just losing patience?
That is the question that only God would answer. She decided to pay her neighbor a visit maybe they heard or saw her nephew during the day. The reception was very low since the day her daughter died following her father with a gap of two months in between. But there was no sign of Mpho from the neighbors.
Twelve O’clock midnight she started praying. Reading the book of Psalm 141 provoked her to pour her heart to the Lord even more. With her family perishing and living no hope she looked up to the Lord. The fact that her daughter and husband died of AIDS, she stood up and tried to raise awareness to the village. But the people took it otherwise and they started to run away from her. They did not want to associate with her thinking they will contract the disease from her.
After prayer when she opened her eyes Mpho was kneeling besides her praying too. Since then her business was very slow, leaving her to struggle most of the days. Mpho had been to the nearby farms working as a laborer. He worked hard to help the aunt.
Mpho had a heart for God; he stood to make sure his aunt does not lose hope. “Without Jesus, suffering brings nothing but pain, and aunty trust that your suffering will be turned by God to a testimony.” he said to his aunt.
“But it hurts.” replied Mma Mmereki. “Sure, it hurts, but now it hurts with a purpose.” Mpho answered as he walks out of the room.
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You may want to work on doing some more showing. Take this line: As she reached the market on a very hot day
You can make the reader feel the heat with something like this: As she reached the market, the scorching sun made her pause and wipe the sweat off her red face.
It's not perfect, but it shows the reader she is hot and is struggling while giving them a mental picture.
You did a great job of covering the topic in a fresh way. You had a nice pace to your story and it made me stop and think which is always a good thing.
I had a very hard time following the story however. It was very fast-paced as the scenes raced from the room, to the yard, to the market place, then back home, to the neighbor, and ended at the bedside. I think that adding some transitional words, phrase etc would draw the story together and provide a better flow.
The story was good over all, it presented a very strong message and ended on a positive note.