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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Ding-Dong (05/16/13)

TITLE: Wishing
By Sarah Dirk
05/21/13


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Ding-dong.

He was coming for her. Jay wanted to whimper and crawl into a hole, but she sat on her bed, ridged with dread. This could not be what her life was turning into. This was not what she wished for. Surely she had not sunk this far?

She heard the creak of the wheelchair as her father woke up and called her name, and the young girl mechanically pushed herself of her bed. Stealing over to the window, she peeked out, hoping that, against all odds, someone else would be there. At the sight of the dark leather jacket, she pulled back, exhaustion and fear almost making her collapse. His dark eyes had captured hers, giving her a silent message. She forced herself to move.

A brush was picked up and ran quickly through her hair. Her fingers trembled as she hurriedly applied make-up and slipped into tight clothing, with a loose sweater to ward off the night chill. Heavy make-up would cover red-rimmed eyes that were tattling about what she had spent the last few hours doing. The loose pink sweater would hopefully give her a chubbier appearance, and make it so that she was not wanted.

One glance in the mirror proved opposite, and she groaned quietly.

If she had let herself, Jay would have cursed her beauty. Beauty drew men. And right now, she wished she would never lay eyes on another man in her life. But tonight, she knew, she would see several.

She wanted out. Badly. But when she had mentioned this to her boss the other night, he had laughed and reminded her that her father was in a wheelchair. He couldn't get out by himself if the house “accidentally” caught on fire. Which might happen if she tried to get out by any means.

Snatching up her purse from where it lay in her dark room, she slipped out the door and hurried over to her father.

“Are you going out tonight, my dear?”

“Yes, Papa. Will you be all right?” Jay smoothed the blanket that draped over his knees. Images of finding him crushed beneath fallen beams one afternoon raced through her mind. Her father would never walk again. The same earthquake had killed her mother two years back.

“Of course. Go have fun with that handsome man of yours. It is so nice you have him.”

“Hmmm.” Jay's reply was quiet, and she gave her father a quick peck on the cheek before turning to go. As she turned, her eyes caught an old leather-bound book, lying on a nearby shelf. A Bible. Dust-covered, not touched for two years. She remembered her Grandmother telling her that in those pages was a Rescuer. Right now she needed one.

With a sigh, she turned toward the door. He was waiting, as were the “customers”. Jay wanted to gag, but she put on a fake smiled and strode toward the door.

Ding-dong.

He was in a hurry. It would be a long night. Would life always be this harsh?

Ever since her boss had approached her four months ago, Jay felt like she had entered a nightmare. She believed his kindness at first. He seemed like a guy who was just being sympathetic to a sad girl, offering her a job. Her father could no longer provide for her and she needed the money. But when Jay realized his full intent, she wanted to flee. Now it was not possible.

Ding-dong.

She hated that sound, and for the thousandth time she wished for silence instead. Jay reached for the door handle and froze. She wanted out. She needed out. A Rescuer!

Ding-dong.

Her fourteen-year-old shoulders slumped in defeat. There was no way out. Wishing would get her no where.

The door opened, and she slipped into the darkness.


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This article has been read 69 times
Member Comments
Member Date
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/24/13
Oh wow this is an incredible bit of writing. Human trafficking is not an easy subject to write or read about, but it is a reality for far too many young girls. People need to be made aware and your story will do just that.

You do an excellent job of showing the reader, but I noticed a few passive lines that could be changed into active ones quite easily. For example: A brush was picked up and ran quickly through her hair.
could become: Picking up the brush, she quickly ran it through her hair.
It's a tiny detail, but will pull the reader in a bit more as they can actually picture her running the brush through her hair. Your next line with the trembling is an excellent example of showing her fear instead of telling.

You have some awesome gift in storytelling. You made the ding-dong almost into an actual character signifying that a night of horror is about to start. That's a great job of writing on topic. Well done from beginning to end. This is one of my favorites, even though it is so heartbreaking.
CD Swanson 05/27/13
Powerful, meaningful, explosive in emotional terms, and completely sobering to realize this goes on in a world that has become darker by the second. But, how wonderful to see that she looked at the "BIBLE" and realized that in there was hope, and so that gave the MC a "way out" and the reader "a sigh of relief" as we can draw our own conclusions.

Excellent piece of writing.

God bless~
Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/30/13
Congratulations for ranking 10 in your level!