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Previous Challenge Entry (Level 1 – Beginner)
Topic: Ding-Dong (05/16/13)

TITLE: Standing at the Door
By carl lynn
05/17/13


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Standing at the Door.

Jim picked up the large black suitcase, they had told Him at the office downtown that the case full of products only weighted somewhere between fifteen and twenty pounds. However, as He lifted it in His right hand it felt more like fifty pounds. Jim was not weak nor, an old man, He had been out of the army less than six months, it was nineteen fifty-four and Jimmy, had dropped out of school to join the service.

Although he had received an honorable discharge, and good references from His commanding officer, with no prior work history and no High School Diploma or a car or even a driver’s license it was difficult to find employment. As much as He disliked door to door sales work, it helps pay the rent and keep some bread and lunchmeat to eat.

As He made His way back along the sidewalk from the last white house to the next house which, looked just the same as all the other houses on the block, He shifted the bag from The right to the left. When He reached the walk that went from the main sidewalk to the front door of the house, He turned so that He now faced the pale green door of the building; it of course was the same shade of green as all the other doors.

Jim placed the suitcase on the cement walk; He ran a comb through His wavy black hair. He shoved the knot on the red tie up against His neck. Next, He tugged down on the dark brown suit coat, and then placed His right shoe on the back of the left paints leg and rubbed to be sure the top and side of the shoe was as bright and shinny as possible. Of course in order to complete this ritual He had to do the same to His left foot.

The suit, shirt, shoes, tie, sales kit complete with samples, even His socks and pocket comb were apart of the successful sales presentation all the outside sales force were required to wear. Jim like many of the other company agents had been outfitted with the clothes case and samples, the company advanced them the money to purchase the items, and then required the full amount be paid back at the rate of ten dollars a month or ten percent of their commission which ever was greater.

The young man took a deep breath and walked up to the door, and there, as always, was the small round metal bottom just waiting for Jim to do the thing He hated most. Jim felt His teeth clinch, His eyes tighten, and the finger on His right hand tremble as He extended it and pushed the doorbell, DING - DONG ! DING - DONG ! Jim tried to relax, but He knew what was about to happen eight out of ten times either a women or very rarely a man would open the door take one look at Jim and the case and before He could began His well rehearsed sales talk, the person would say something along the lines of “Sorry, we are not interested.” as they rushed to close the door.

Just as Jim had thought the door opened and this time it was a man standing in the now open entrance, “Yes, may I help you?” to His surprise and shock the gentleman smiled as He spoke, “Sir, is there something I can do for you?” the man in the doorway made no effort to slam the wooden door resting in His hand.

“Yes, yes, thank you, my name is Jimmy Powell, and I would love to show you some samples I have, I think if you could just give me a few minutes of your time the products I have with me might change or improve your life !”

Before Jim finished the man standing in front of Him spoke “Tell you what I am Pastor Wilmore if you promise to listen to me after you finish you may have as long as you wish, do we have a deal?”

Jim nodded in agreement as He extended His hand to shake the ministers waiting palm, what Jim did not know was although none of the products Jim shared with the pastor that day changed the ministers life, the pastor shared Gods Word and Gods Son which did change Jim for Eternity !


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This article has been read 146 times
Member Comments
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Shann Hall-LochmannVanBennekom 05/23/13
Oh I really enjoyed this. I think it was quite clever to have a door to door salesman. They are more a thing of the past ands didn't even occur to me as I was thinking of ideas for this topic.

I noticed you had some tiny errors like pronouns like he or him should not start with a capital letter (the exception would be if the He was Jesus or God, but even that is now being discouraged by the writing experts)also paints should have been pant's legs.

I love the message you showed in this insightful piece. What a wonderful idea. I wonder if we did that today to the telemarketers who call what kind of an impact we might have on the world. You also did a wonderful job of showing how nervous your MC was. I could feel it emanate from the page.
Karen Pourbabaee 05/25/13
You did a good job with this topic, particularly being descriptive & showing the emotions of your MC.A number of your sentences were quite long/run-on and the use of commas not correct. It might be helpful to check into the Forums section and click on Ann's Grammar Basics. There are several lessons on commas as well as many other grammar rules.
We all have had to brush up on these things to improve and doing so will definitely advance you past beginners because you have some good abilities showing! Keep up the good work!

lynn gipson 05/26/13
Great and unique take on the topic. Great story, I enjoyed this very much!
CD (Camille) Swanson 05/27/13
I loved this multi-layered story that showed and told of great emotions, and meaningful messages throughout. Nicely done. Clever indeed!

God bless~